Found out today that all of this painful hell that's been going on for two weeks now has been for nothing. I'm at 1 cm dilated, not effaced, and I'm just very soft. I was so hoping I'd be at least a 3 or so, or at least effaced...or some hope that this baby is coming soon. Instead I was left with nothing. Being at a one is nothing!
Despite breaking down and crying in the car afterwards, I've been trying to let go of being upset and not worry about it. But it's really hard not to. It actually doesn't have to do with the baby at all, or the pain. I so want the baby here before Christmas for other reasons, but every time I think about it, I cry.
Last year our whole Christmas was about how it was Katie's last Christmas as an only child. At that time, we were pregnant with Elizabeth. I was so excited, I kept saying that we had to do it big, this was her last year as an only child. When we lost Elizabeth, that was one of those things that really stung so hard. I really had a hard time adjusting to having told Katie that it was her last year. Everything was based on it being her last year as the only child. Our Christmas cards, our decorations, our momentos from last year all talk about it. Then when we got pregnant again with Will, I thought that it was balm to heal that one sting. At least he was due in plenty of time before Christmas, at least that one thing would still be right. It wouldn't be the same, but it was so much better than facing another year as her being our only. It felt SO right to have this baby before Christmas. It really helped me get over some of my pain. And now it's starting to look like this baby won't be here for Christmas again, and the sting is back. Both because it reminds me that Elizabeth should be about six months old by now and how big that hole in my heart is, and because this rainbow was supposed to be in my arms to make this Christmas be our best Christmas ever and now probably won't be. It was a big reason why I bought Will so many gifts and called him my Christmas miracle.
I don't mind not getting my perfect birth. I'm fine giving up the water birth, giving up the birth center birth...I just wanted my baby here before Christmas. Now it seems like I'm going to lose all of those things anyway and still not get my Christmas baby.
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