7 Weeks!

Another week down! I'm 7 weeks today, baby is the size of a blueberry, and my symptoms are through the roof today.

I woke up in a terrible mood. Everything made me cranky! True, this is the third day that I had almost no sleep due to Katie teething terribly and being up every hour, but usually I don't get really grumpy for lack of sleep. Today, I was on a silent warpath for everything, even things that had NOTHING to do with me! I was getting angry for other people! LOL.  It shocked me, I'm not usually like this at all!

Once Bill left, I got so emotional. My anger melted into tears and I kept crying. I thought about the next ultrasound and I cried. I thought about Elizabeth and cried. I just kept crying. Now I'm feeling drained and exhausted.

This pregnancy is such a dream come true that it feels almost like it hasn't come true yet. I have been waiting for another baby for so long. I had a year to dream of another baby while trying for Elizabeth. Then I had three months to dream up having her. When she was gone, I longed for a baby. It's been a long journey since we started trying to get another baby in the house, and I guess that's why it's hard to realize that it's actually happening right now. I guess it started to seem like I'd be waiting and hoping forever, that it's hard to stop hoping and to start actually having it happen.

I've been terribly craving cheese steak so badly all day (to the point of me being terribly upset that I wasn't devouring it) but now my dad just dropped one off for me. I have to go and eat it, as Katie is currently eating it like crazy! She likes everything mommy likes!

But first, here's this week's picture: (to clarify, this is EARLY DAY belly - it's not crazy night time bloat. This is the smallest my belly gets now! Oh my goodness...

Last day of week 6

I've now hit that spot in pregnancy when chinese food becomes disgusting to me. This only ever happens in pregnancy in first trimester, any other time I practically drool over the idea of it. I now really crave pizza hut wings, cheese sticks, and pizza - but I learned in my last pregnancy that Pizza Hut causes me to violently throw up. Who would have thought that massive amounts of grease would unsettle my already unstable belly??

Today I've been much sicker. Now it doesn't matter when I eat, I get sick whether I eat every two hours or not. I'm not one of those people that sickness just stays away if my belly isn't empty - it's coming full force no matter what! It's definitely getting rough. I've been trying to do dishes, laundry and cooking for the whole day in the morning, when I feel my best. My midafternoon I'm dead tired and after that, I get super sick. By late night, I'm both tired and so sick I can barely get off the sofa. Tiredness may come from the fact that 1) I have to get up at both 4 AM and 6 Am every night to pee and 2) I wake up now every time Katie latches on because I'm so sore.

To follow up, I took pictures of my belly first thing this morning. Morning is when I have the very least bloat of the day, so I wanted to see the difference. I was pretty sure I'd look almost flat, but instead I'm not too much different from last night. At least this time I should have a really cute pregnant belly, instead of being flat for over half of my pregnancy like with Katie! I guess I'm getting my wish from her pregnancy with this pregnancy - I'm pretty sure I'll be showing really early! Pregnancy #3 is definitely feeling different than the last two.

I'm not the only one pregnant at this house though! I've been wondering what's been going on outside, and today I discovered a soon to be mommy robin making her nest by my back door. She seems new to this, as she's trying to make the biggest nest I've ever seen for a bird her size. It seems like she's preparing for three dozen eggs! Every day, she brings more dead weeds to fill her nest, but it's been so overfilled that it all falls back down. I couldn't figure out why every morning I went outside and would find these dead plants all over my potted plants. I was getting upset, thinking someone was throwing them there or the dogs were doing it. Here it's a crazy nesting bird! Silly thing! I got a picture, but I'm not tall enough to show how long it is up there. It's crazy big, and that's with half of her supplies lying on my back deck!

Holy Bloat!

I can't tell if I'm just going to be absolutely giant this time around, or if my belly is just really consistantly constantly bloated. Really, I'm huge! It's a little less earlier in the day thankfully, but by night I look like I could be 20 weeks pregnant instead of just almost 7. I think that's a good sign though, as I'm gaining weight (from 114 to 118.5) and I'm bloated insanely, which is never a problem any other time. I haven't been this close to 120 since I was pregnant last time, so I'm assuming everything is working pretty well.

To see what I'm talking about, I just stood up and took some pictures of this massive belly:

(to compare, here is my 4.5 week picture - niiiice and flat, yes? This was just a short two weeks ago!)

And tonight:

I mean, right? I'm huge! I know it's a lot of bloating, but I've never ever been so bloated in my entire life, including the last two pregnancies. My body is really running with this expanding stuff it seems! I'm sure eating every two hours (not mere snacks usually, either) is probably not helping my bloating situation, but if I don't eat that much that often, I get violently sick and dry heave constantly and then I can't even step into the kitchen - bad news for both me and my dogs who need me to venture in so they can go potty and get fed. I just can't believe how fast this thing took off!

6 1/2 weeks

I'm six and a half weeks. On a whole, it seems like time is going pretty quickly. It feels like just a few days ago since that nurse told me I was pregnant. On the other hand, each week feels like it goes pretty slow.

So far I've had some good signs. My morning sickness, while it only happens a couple times each day, is getting stronger and worse. Yesterday, I invested in a bucket to keep by the bed, as multiple times now it felt like I was going to lose it before I could get to the toilet. 

Today, while brushing my teeth, I started to gag and dry heave. I looked up and smiled at myself in the mirror. I had that with Katie, too and always look at it with a good sign. Before today, I could brush my teeth easily. Today, I gag. It's progress!

My boobs are also feeling extremely sore and are becoming fuller. I need to eat every 2-3 hours or I get sick. Cars are my enemy. It's getting harder to fall asleep (I always get bad pregnancy insomnia). Seeing that I'm not even 7 weeks yet, this is a good start! All of this started happening in the last week.

The disappointment today comes from the doctor's office calling to reschedule. My ultrasound to check baby and to find a heartbeat is on May 9th now, when I'm exactly 9 weeks. Instead of two weeks inbetween, it's now three weeks. Ugh, that's going to be rough! 18 more days - over half a month! - until we find out the fate of this trimester. The good news is three weeks after that ultrasound, I'll be entering second tri if all goes well. I really, really want to enter second tri this time! I'm so incredibly eager for it. I can't wait to feel the baby kicking and growing. I can't wait to hear the heartbeat at every appointment. I can't wait to have the baby be more than just something I imagine inside of me, but instead me an actual cohabitant. I have until May 30th before I enter second tri!

This is my 6 week pic, showing just how much I'm bloating this time!

6w,1d

I'm feeling better today, at least mentally. Physically, I've been dry heaving, which is part of why I feel better mentally.

I'm trying to not drive myself crazy over the next two weeks. I'm choosing to believe that the ultrasound was just too early and it was useless and only served to prove that I am pregnant. I'm going to assume that this baby is okay, that what our "might be baby" sighting was a baby, and that baby is growing and going to start a heartbeat soon.

I was so sick yesterday. Before we went to the doctors, I nearly had to pull over multiple times. I was so badly car sick! Then when we were home, the kitchen turned into a nightmare. Every time I walked into it to try and get any food or let dogs out, I would get really sick and begin to dry heave. I tried eating bananas and quick snacks to calm my belly and they made it worse. When I went to bed, I got sick again. Nighttime is always when morning sickness kicks up. Now that I'm 6 weeks, I'm on schedule with getting sick, it's the most common time it kicks in.

My stuffy nose isn't getting any better, either. I generally wake up with a nose bleed, which is something I dealt with almost every day in Katie's pregnancy. Through that super stuffy nose, however, I can still smell things like crazy. I'm going nuts with the bad smells around me, when Bill can't smell them at all.

I have plenty of symptoms right now. I have a healthy, on schedule yolk sac. For only being 6 weeks, that's pretty good, I think. Had I not lost my last pregnancy, I don't think I'd be very worried over the last scan. I'd understand that it's normal, and knew going in there that we might not see anything at all. At least we saw the sac and what might be the baby. But it's hard to erase the memories of last time, and it's hard not to apply those fears. For the most part, I feel like I do pretty well. I talk to the baby, I pray for the baby, and I continue to believe that the baby is going to be healthy and will pull through to be our Christmas miracle. It's just hard to remain positive at all times.

1st ultrasound

I'm struggling today. My mind is torn.

I can't say nothing comes easy to me when it comes to kids, because I did get pregnant really easily this time and that was such a blessing. But it seems like getting babies to birth is difficult. To get Katie, I had to make it through ovarian cancer in aces and lucked out in every area. With the last one, we tried for almost a full year, and then we lost Elizabeth. And now, I'm just fretting over this baby.

The ultrasound was mostly normal, I suppose. Not too out of the ordinary for my stage. But it fell short of my prayers. I wanted a heartbeat so badly. Last pregnancy I went through 13 weeks without a single heartbeat to be seen or heard. I crave that now so badly to feel comforted. Today, I didn't get it. We're not even sure if we saw a baby. We saw a yolk sac and after a while of looking, we saw what might be a baby.  The "might be baby" measured 5w, 4d, which would be a good measurement.

I tried to figure out what this means for the next two weeks. Do I act like this ultrasound didn't happen, and continue acting like everything is perfectly normal when there's a chance that it's not? Or do I shut down and put everything on hold for two weeks and try to prepare for the worst so it's not so rough this time?

I finally decided that the one thing this ultrasound did show is that at least for right now, I am still pregnant. I am growing. Whether this pregnancy makes it to term or not, it's still happening right now. So I'm going to take my pregnancy pictures, track my symptoms  stay apart of my due date community, celebrate each week, and continue on.

As long as everything stays like this for the next two weeks, I think it would be best to try and enjoy the pregnancy still as much as possible. If it's gone in two weeks, then I at least had 8 weeks of hopes, prayers and time with our third baby. If it does work out, then I'll be glad that I didn't completely shut down just because there was a chance of not making it through.

This mommy stuff is really difficult. I so enjoy having Katie, and I couldn't be more grateful. I just want more that I can have along side of her, but who would have thought that would be so hard to accomplish?

5w,5&6 d

I had to break out the Preggo Pops a few nights ago.

Thank goodness I had them left over from last time.  I was running around, trying to quick find a bucket to throw up in, when I found them. These little pops that made me cry when I came across them a few weeks after having Elizabeth (I lived on them with her) were a lifesaver. Of course all the yummy lemon ones were already eaten out of it (those were my favorite!) but they still did their job. About 30 seconds after I popped one in, the need to throw up started to go away.

Today, the eve of 6 weeks, I woke up feeling a bunch of different things. My hip is killing me, my breasts are fuller, I look super bloated,  and my nose is stuffy. My nose has actually been stuffy for over a week now. It's always, always one of my very first signs of pregnancy that I never realize until later. I thought this time it was just the sudden spring weather, but it wasn't. I wake up with the normal bloody nose in the mornings again too.

My favorite shirt went to less than half price a few days ago as they're going to discontinue it (and they only had one size left when I got to it!). It's the maternity shirt I've been wanting to get since just after having Katie. I know it's a bit silly to get something like this at 6 weeks, when I have no idea what the gender is, but I couldn't risk never getting it again because it would just be gone. So I bought my first maternity shirt (well, besides what I've been stocking up on at yard sales...somehow that doesn't count because that's practical! lol) I figure if this is a boy, I'll just tuck it away until when we have a girl again. I figure it'll definitely happen again if our baby plans work out!

So I'm currently expecting two shirts in the mail:

A full week of Rainbows

It's now been one week since we found out about our Rainbow. It's been quite a week! I've been so blissful, worried, frustrated, and excited.

I was worried for a while because I had zero symptoms. With Katie, I had symptoms at 4 weeks. It took a few weeks more for Elizabeth. I want this pregnancy to be more like Katie's, but I know each one is different. Well, turns out all of my symptoms were waiting until they could attack me all at once...today.

I now have:

Extreme exhaustion (okay, this one I've had for over a week)
Extreme hunger (My body wants a minimum for 5 meals daily...not small meals either!)
Morning Sickness (yep, it started last night and got worse multiple times today. Break out the Preggo Pops!)
Heartburn (what's pregnancy without suffocating from the crushing burn above your lungs anyway?)

I embrace each one of these though. I smile through the pain. I say, bring on whatever symptoms are going to keep this baby healthy! No complaining here. All through nearing throwing up, feeling sick, and heartburn galore, I keep my mind on the end goal.

While on a day to day basis I'm calm and collected, I worry every time I think about going to the doctor's next week. Not that I think it's in the wrong place or won't be visable, but because I KNOW that seeing a heartbeat at exactly 6 weeks isn't very common. A heartbeat usually starts somewhere around 6 weeks, 2 days, so we'll probably just miss it. I understand that, but I know my hormonal, emotional side will not.  Not seeing a heartbeat, no matter how early, will always scare me forever now. I'm hoping the doctor will bring me back for a follow up, but I really don't know if he will. I requested one with Elizabeth when I felt something wasn't quite right (after we kept not hearing the heartbeat and they kept brushing it off saying it was normal) but they wouldn't let me. Maybe this time they will. No matter what, I'd love a follow up around 8-9 weeks for a little more reassurance.

Five Weeks

Here's the very first picture of this pregnancy. The date is a bit off, I took it yesterday at 4w, 6d...which means today I'm 5 weeks! This was such a great week. Of course since we just found out we've been beaming and enjoying telling everyone. No secrets here! We both instantly agreed that this baby, just like Elizabeth, should be celebrated no matter how long they're here for. Since we never know how long they're here for, we wanted to start celebrating with everyone right away. I know for most people, especially those who have lost in their past, it's unusual, but this is just what we both felt was right. We're already growing to love this little new life and want to give everyone the opportunity to love them too!

But it's also been a very fast week, especially since we found out two days into it, so it felt short. I would love each week to fly by as fast as this one did. Luckily, this is a great time to be pregnant! This month I'm keeping busy with yard sales each weekend and spring cleaning/decluttering through the week as well as taking walks to the park, library, and grocery store. Next month, the pool opens, where I'll be there about every day with Katie, basking in the sun and teaching her again how to swim. It'll be a busy summer, so hopefully it'll just fly by! I can't wait for this little baby to come. 

This year has been a very big year in spiritual growth. Not that it changed my viewpoints, but that I spend so much of every day praying. After Elizabeth passed, I was constantly praying. Every time I felt upset, every time I cried, every time I lit her candle and blew it back out, every time we visited her at her spot, every time we went to church, every time I went to bed...I prayed for her. Every time I had a free moment, I spent it praying for her and for us.

And now this rainbow has been given to us, and I pray constantly. Every time I go to the bathroom, I pray to not see anything bad. I think I'll forever be a bit traumatized by my bathroom, afraid to see blood when I shouldn't. But every time I don't see blood, I thank God out loud and full heartedly. I pray for the health of this baby constantly. I pray for Elizabeth. I pray all the time. God already showed us that he heard our prayers by healing our hearts, allowing us to open up to another try, and then giving us that new baby to welcome into our family.

So far, my symptoms are being exhausted and starving. I'm always one or the other...or both!...at every moment. I gained a few pounds just in the last week, which puts me right at my ideal perfect weight. Can't wait to wave it goodbye though as I progress in pregnancy!

4w,3d.

Today I woke up smiling. My very first thought this morning was "wow, I'm pregnant." What a wonderful way to begin each day! I missed those little morning blessings that start my day off right.

Despite praying every time I go to the bathroom, I feel good. I feel confident. I tell this new baby every few hours "I can't wait to hold you" and "you're going to make it through this with flying colors." I'm nothing but positive right now. I'm not allowing myself the option to worry. My main goal is to stay calm and enjoy this pregnancy, no matter how long it lasts. Right now, I have a baby again and it makes us so happy, happier than we've been in months. Not feeling empty anymore and having something to be happy for throughout each day is a blessing alone. I spend so much of my day in prayer and praising God for this new miracle.

I love that Bill is on the same page as me. I see most parents who lose a child no longer want to announce early, don't want to make plans for the baby, don't want to think ahead. But still, we do. We have concrete names for the baby already, both for boy and girl. We have themes for them. We have announced to almost everyone except his mom and sisters as we wait for the special shirt I just bought Katie (pictured below). But I love that Bill didn't even hesitate to start planning with me. He didn't hesitate to bond with the baby, and right away started to put his hand on my belly with a big smile and ask about who this little one may be. I think a lot of my calm comes from his confidence and ease. With how badly we grieved and were heartbroken over the loss of Elizabeth, I wasn't sure if he'd be so ready to jump with both feet into bonding with our baby, but he has and so have I.

I told Bill on Saturday that I just want to wrap myself up in bubble wrap and not move until second tri gets here. He told me he'd grab me the bubble wrap if I wanted! LOL. I'm trying to get the house all cleaned and decluttered before morning sickness settles in, but I'm making sure to not overdo it or lift anything heavy. I'm taking all my vitamins every day, not eating anything bad, and incorporating more veggies and fruit in my diet. I'm not taking any chances this time, anything I can do to help this pregnancy, even though the last one couldn't be helped no matter what, I'm going to do.

I have a doctor appointment next Thursday to check out how baby is doing. I'll be almost 6 weeks at that point. I feel like the days are going to go very slow throughout the entire first trimester, but I pray for some peace of mind. I don't mind slow as long as I can be confident.

Katie's Big Sister announcement shirt

We found it!

Yesterday was the most beautiful, wonderful day.

It was the first day of yard saling, and at 4:30 AM, I just knew I'd find something amazing today. It was true, but in ways I never expected. Not only did I find a top of the line double stroller, a table with two chairs that is the exact same set that I had as a child, and Snow White items, but I found something else.

I found out that I am pregnant. Our rainbow is now on their way! No more seeking our rainbow, it's now here with us!

Everything that happened this week that started off bad came out to be a blessing in disguise. First, our car died on Bill's way to work. We have zero money for a new car, so this was incredibly stressful. But, my grandparents ended up also wanting a new car and decided to sell us theirs for very cheap with a monthly payment plan. This car is bigger in the back to fit more carseats, it's lower gas mileage, and in better shape. Our old car I've had since I was 16, and this car is only lightly used. It's definitely a big strain off of our shoulders, and possibly my favorite part - one day when we get enough money, we're going to fix up my old car. Then I'll actually have a car I can get around in when Bill's at work!

The day after the car died, Katie tried to show me a toy and ended up misjudging as she spun around and slammed me with it. Hello, black eye! Black eye kept getting worse instead of better, and eventually got infected. It was horribly painful, itchy, and I couldn't see right. So yesterday I decided it was time to get it checked out by a doctor. I needed antibiotics, which meant I also needed a pregnancy test. Because of the black eye, I got to find out I was pregnant much earlier than I would have otherwise, and it was fun for Bill and I to both find out at the same time.

This is the quickest I've ever gotten pregnant before. We protected against pregnancy in January, we NTNP in February, and we sort of TTC'ed last month. So there was only two cycles where I could have gotten pregnant, and the second one took. With Katie, it took us 4 months of trying and with Elizabeth, it took us 10 months.

I'm so excited that our rainbow is here that I'm just filled with joy. I thought I'd get scared immediately, and while I do pray every single time I go to the bathroom that I won't see blood, I'm not scared. There's no room for fear yet. There's just excitement and happiness. I see infants now and instead of it hurting, it's exciting.

It wasn't even 24 hours since finding out we're pregnant and we already have our baby names nailed down. I have plans again, like they just happen naturally. While there's always that nagging feeling in the back of our minds of "what if...", we're celebrating this baby like it's our guarantee.

I get to call the doctor's tomorrow. I can't believe it's happening now, I can't wait for this pregnancy to progress!

Hope

I read this over and over. Not for the friend part, not for anyone trying to open a door for me before I'm ready, but the core part about that Door of Hope. I sit and wonder about it, try to think where it is. The first time I read this, I thought that maybe I'm already through that door. I'm hoping to get pregnant, hoping to have a baby again. But the more I read it, the more it feels like I'm sitting outside the door, tracing patterns into the dirt, biding my time and waiting until it's unlocked. I feel like I knock and call out every few weeks, but when no one answers, I sit back and I wait....and wait...and wait.

I feel ready to go in, but my body keeps me sitting. I feel like I'm ready, but someone hasn't come to me to unlock the door and let me in.

With all the scares I have, the grief I carry all the time, the hole in my heart, I don't think I can get in. I think I need to be shown the way, by no one around me but by someone new. One angel left my arms, and I need another to come and show me the light and erase the fear, to show me that good can come from such tragedy.

I thought that opening myself up to the possibility of a baby was opening that door of Hope, the door of healing and well being, the door that lets you hold your baby's memory while moving forward. I thought it meant I had already gone through it, but I haven't. I'm sitting here and brooding, sometimes feeling like I'm bloodying my fists upon the door, pounding desperately, but it's still locked. I'm still empty. My only hope is that sometime soon, a new baby will come to help the healing process and let me in.

Right now one of my biggest fears is hope. I try to squash it down in self preservation. I don't dare hope that this is our lucky month. I don't hope for a BFP. I don't hope that AF will be late, or hope that a trip to the store for tests will be needed. I don't hope that this is the month where everything that's broken will start to work again. I don't hope because I'm too afraid that it'll damage me more. I can't bear to be crushed at the end of each cycle. So I fight hope while praying every night that one day I'll be filled with hope and happiness.

What a difficult battle.