Today was a wonderful day.
Today marks my very last week in first trimester. It feels like I've been in first trimester for half a year now. With getting pregnant last November and going all the way through first tri, miscarrying in January, still feeling pregnant in February and then getting pregnant in March...it seems like I've been stuck in this trimester for an awfully long time. But, finally, I'm now on the edge of first trimester. I can see the goal line in sight now, and I've almost reached it. Second trimester, here I come!
Today was also my baby appointment. I was so nervous for this one, as this is when we didn't hear Elizabeth's heartbeat. This was the week we lost her. I was so afraid we wouldn't hear a heartbeat again. Sitting in that room - the exact same room with the same midwife sitting in the same seat as I did with Elizabeth - was so incredibly nerve wracking. Those thirty seconds of searching were pure hell for me. I kept hearing my heartbeat, and then silence. Then my heart beat and then silence. It was nothing short of terrifying and I completely stopped breathing as I stared at the ceiling and searched for that heartbeat. Finally it popped up, so different from mine, sounding strong and fast. Baby's heartrate was in the 160's and was perfect. My fundal height, while higher than average, was exactly where I thought it was. Everything checked out just fine. I feel like I'm sliding into home base. I've made it past this scary milestone where we lost our last baby. This baby is still with us, healthy and alive and thriving in there. We're even closer to holding our Christmas Miracle.
Today I'm 12 weeks and I couldn't be happier. I've felt overwhelmed in how overjoyed I am. I have been brought to tears multiple times today, remembering that beautiful sound of the heartbeat and having so much fear and dread lifted from me. I'm so excited to start the trimester where I'll feel my baby kicking for the first time, where we'll find out exactly who we're having and then celebrate them with a party, where we'll get all the preparations ready for their arrival. I can't wait to say goodbye to first trimester, finally, and say hello to baby experiences that I've been so eagerly awaiting for.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
11w, 4d
I'm becoming more and more hormonal and emotional, unlike in my other pregnancies. I think I was pretty normal in those, and Bill always said I was. This time is different. I get in such odd moods! My back deck is now an empty nester. My beautiful bird family, with the mommy bird I'd chat with each day, the devoted daddy bird who was always around to help out, and the adorable baby birds, are all gone. I knew it would happen soon, as the other day the babies looked ready to get out of the nest and like they weren't fitting so well, and the mommy bird had to perch on the side of the nest, but still...I feel sad when I go out in the mornings, look up ready to smile, and then see the empty nest. It's been two days without seeing any of the birds now.
I also have a terrible compulsion to go buy Katie EVERYTHING. Seriously, I was in the toy department yesterday by myself and wanted to fill the cart with everything I knew she'd like. Just like at the pet store - Katie LOVES the guinea pigs. She giggles and points and loves just to watch them eat. While watching her today being so adorable and happy, I felt the need to buy her a pet to make her happier. What? The LAST thing I want is something else to go on my chore list and need to take care of while sick! I don't want ANY more pets for a good while. But these hormones take over sometimes and make me think the weirdest things! I never dealt with this before, it feels so bizarre.
I also think I have Sophie's mentality. I keep bugging to go on walks every day. I want to walk around town. When we're walking, Bill has to take over the stroller and I use Sophie to pull me along because I can't actually handle the whole walk with my tailbone hurting, needing to throw up, and sciatic acting up. So then we'll go home and two hours later, I'm looking out the window again over Sophie and wanting to go for a walk! How odd! It's not that I want exercise, because my body seems to hate it right now. It's not that I just want to be outside, because sitting on my porch for 20 minutes wasn't much fun and I went inside to go do other things. But the idea of going for a walk is still very enticing...until we're actually doing it.
Maybe it's just lack of sleep. I get up at least twice a night to pee, and then my body tells me that I'm awake now and don't need more sleep. It takes me a good half hour of convincing it to go back to sleep. By the time the sun comes up by 6 to convince my body further that it must be midday by now, I usually give up and just lay there. So maybe it's less hormones, more from sleep crazed.
However, with all of this and more, I couldn't be more excited about this pregnancy. I'm pretty sure I get more excited every day, even with my symptoms growing. I'm convinced that there's nothing quite so exciting as pregnancy. There's so many dreams and plans and excitement, so much curiosity and eagerness. I can't believe how fast first trimester went by, and I have no idea where May went. The fact that it's almost gone is absolutely mind boggling, and a little frightening. I mean, where on earth did it go?? It feels like it JUST turned May! I'm not ready for June yet!
I am ready for my appointment though. Three more days, almost two more until i get booked in and get more reassurance on baby. I wish I knew which midwife was going to be on that day, because I know some are really good at finding heartbeats and some are less good...but I'm hoping that if I plead enough, they'll give me an ultrasound if they don't hear a heartbeat. In fact, I'm pretty sure if they'd deny me, I'd go straight to my doctor, who really doesn't deny me anything. So either way, I feel pretty okay about it, as I don't have any bad feelings. This baby seems to be really interested in making sure I know it's in there and it's healthy with all the crazy, rough symptoms it sends me all day. I'm okay with them, I much rather have them than to have a lack of them! Perhaps my body knew that I'd be worried this week and decided that it better up the sickness to give me some reassurance! lol
Edit: I feel kind of stupid. The last week or so, I have NOT been able to find my fundal height, which worried me. I kept trying in the morning and I couldn't feel it like before. Of course, then I starting thinking that maybe it wasn't right before and I wasn't feeling my uterus all that week. Turns out, I'm just way behind in this pregnancy mentally. I just looked at a diagram where my uterus should be at 12 weeks. I felt right there and yep, I can feel my uterus VERY clearly. I've been trying to find it about two inches lower than it now is. For some reason (again, lack of sleep?) I was thinking I should be able to find it where I found it before - well over 3 weeks ago! Yep, my uterus has definitely grown and I can definitely feel my fundal line clearly. Just didn't expect it to be quite that big yet, but the diagram clearly showed that I should have!
Edit 2: This morning I tried to feel it again, and feel even stupider. The entire bulge of my belly in the morning is my uterus. I could clearly feel the entire thing pushing out. How did I not see this before to know where it was?? It's not easy to lose your fundal line!
I also have a terrible compulsion to go buy Katie EVERYTHING. Seriously, I was in the toy department yesterday by myself and wanted to fill the cart with everything I knew she'd like. Just like at the pet store - Katie LOVES the guinea pigs. She giggles and points and loves just to watch them eat. While watching her today being so adorable and happy, I felt the need to buy her a pet to make her happier. What? The LAST thing I want is something else to go on my chore list and need to take care of while sick! I don't want ANY more pets for a good while. But these hormones take over sometimes and make me think the weirdest things! I never dealt with this before, it feels so bizarre.
I also think I have Sophie's mentality. I keep bugging to go on walks every day. I want to walk around town. When we're walking, Bill has to take over the stroller and I use Sophie to pull me along because I can't actually handle the whole walk with my tailbone hurting, needing to throw up, and sciatic acting up. So then we'll go home and two hours later, I'm looking out the window again over Sophie and wanting to go for a walk! How odd! It's not that I want exercise, because my body seems to hate it right now. It's not that I just want to be outside, because sitting on my porch for 20 minutes wasn't much fun and I went inside to go do other things. But the idea of going for a walk is still very enticing...until we're actually doing it.
Maybe it's just lack of sleep. I get up at least twice a night to pee, and then my body tells me that I'm awake now and don't need more sleep. It takes me a good half hour of convincing it to go back to sleep. By the time the sun comes up by 6 to convince my body further that it must be midday by now, I usually give up and just lay there. So maybe it's less hormones, more from sleep crazed.
However, with all of this and more, I couldn't be more excited about this pregnancy. I'm pretty sure I get more excited every day, even with my symptoms growing. I'm convinced that there's nothing quite so exciting as pregnancy. There's so many dreams and plans and excitement, so much curiosity and eagerness. I can't believe how fast first trimester went by, and I have no idea where May went. The fact that it's almost gone is absolutely mind boggling, and a little frightening. I mean, where on earth did it go?? It feels like it JUST turned May! I'm not ready for June yet!
I am ready for my appointment though. Three more days, almost two more until i get booked in and get more reassurance on baby. I wish I knew which midwife was going to be on that day, because I know some are really good at finding heartbeats and some are less good...but I'm hoping that if I plead enough, they'll give me an ultrasound if they don't hear a heartbeat. In fact, I'm pretty sure if they'd deny me, I'd go straight to my doctor, who really doesn't deny me anything. So either way, I feel pretty okay about it, as I don't have any bad feelings. This baby seems to be really interested in making sure I know it's in there and it's healthy with all the crazy, rough symptoms it sends me all day. I'm okay with them, I much rather have them than to have a lack of them! Perhaps my body knew that I'd be worried this week and decided that it better up the sickness to give me some reassurance! lol
Edit: I feel kind of stupid. The last week or so, I have NOT been able to find my fundal height, which worried me. I kept trying in the morning and I couldn't feel it like before. Of course, then I starting thinking that maybe it wasn't right before and I wasn't feeling my uterus all that week. Turns out, I'm just way behind in this pregnancy mentally. I just looked at a diagram where my uterus should be at 12 weeks. I felt right there and yep, I can feel my uterus VERY clearly. I've been trying to find it about two inches lower than it now is. For some reason (again, lack of sleep?) I was thinking I should be able to find it where I found it before - well over 3 weeks ago! Yep, my uterus has definitely grown and I can definitely feel my fundal line clearly. Just didn't expect it to be quite that big yet, but the diagram clearly showed that I should have!
Edit 2: This morning I tried to feel it again, and feel even stupider. The entire bulge of my belly in the morning is my uterus. I could clearly feel the entire thing pushing out. How did I not see this before to know where it was?? It's not easy to lose your fundal line!
Sunday, May 26, 2013
11 1/2 weeks
I am wearing a delightful, colorful mask today, consisting of many little dots from broken blood vessels. My 11 week pregnancy email from baby center assures me that if I am still sick at this point, it should all magically disappear by the end of the week, and yet not only is it not disappearing, it's getting worse. I threw up so much yesterday that I broke the blood vessels, had a raging headache all day after, and had a very sore throat. It was so rough! It's beginning to look like this pregnancy will be just like Katie's, where I was sick the entire time. I'm starting to believe that I get a form of hypermesis, with how sick I am every day all day and how much I throw up not just in first trimester, but all of them. I don't get to the point where I'm dehydrated and need to go to the hospital for IV(that I know of, though there has been times where I can't even stomach water) but I have all of the other symptoms. I've never been checked for it, as I don't want meds pushed on me, but it does seem a lot like it.
Every day it seems like I get a little bigger. Maybe not EVERY day, but I can't believe how big my belly has been! I took a shower this morning and couldn't believe how pregnant my body looks already and how round my belly is. Combine this big belly and the weight gain with my purple freckled face and I'd say I'm definitely looking pretty pregnant at this stage!
Just four more days until my appointment. I'm excited to get checked in, as so far no one took any of my information, took any blood work, wrote anything in my charts...we just got ultrasounds to check on baby. I'm eager to get to fill in my own chart again, I think it'll really help make this pregnancy feel like it's getting farther along. Even though I've seen baby, sometimes I'm still in that stage of shock where it feels like just a dream instead of being real. I think going back to the midwives' will really help that.
I'm excited to be working on Katie's birthday party and this baby's gender reveal. I've already started to make things for both and buy a few decorations and the beginnings of the goodie bags (which I'm really excited about this year, I think I'll have a lot of fun stuff incorporating both parties inside of them.) I have the menu all set (lunch is in Minnie Mouse theme, desserts are gender themed just for fun) and I've already marked off where each decoration, table and sign is going to go. I thought about renting a place out this year to have a bigger space, but there's no way a half way through pregnancy me is going to be able to go through as much detail as I want in a strange place in only an hour or so before the party starts, so here it is. Honestly, I'm already wanting to start hanging decorations and getting ready! LOL.
I'm really hoping that the midwives allow me to schedule my 20 week ultrasound this week. If not, I'm going to call the doctor's office and see if they'll schedule me so they don't do it late and have me waiting until week 25 (which, btw, would be mid August!), So I'm really hoping that at this time next week, I'll know when we can have the party and have that big appointment scheduled.
Every day it seems like I get a little bigger. Maybe not EVERY day, but I can't believe how big my belly has been! I took a shower this morning and couldn't believe how pregnant my body looks already and how round my belly is. Combine this big belly and the weight gain with my purple freckled face and I'd say I'm definitely looking pretty pregnant at this stage!
Just four more days until my appointment. I'm excited to get checked in, as so far no one took any of my information, took any blood work, wrote anything in my charts...we just got ultrasounds to check on baby. I'm eager to get to fill in my own chart again, I think it'll really help make this pregnancy feel like it's getting farther along. Even though I've seen baby, sometimes I'm still in that stage of shock where it feels like just a dream instead of being real. I think going back to the midwives' will really help that.
I'm excited to be working on Katie's birthday party and this baby's gender reveal. I've already started to make things for both and buy a few decorations and the beginnings of the goodie bags (which I'm really excited about this year, I think I'll have a lot of fun stuff incorporating both parties inside of them.) I have the menu all set (lunch is in Minnie Mouse theme, desserts are gender themed just for fun) and I've already marked off where each decoration, table and sign is going to go. I thought about renting a place out this year to have a bigger space, but there's no way a half way through pregnancy me is going to be able to go through as much detail as I want in a strange place in only an hour or so before the party starts, so here it is. Honestly, I'm already wanting to start hanging decorations and getting ready! LOL.
I'm really hoping that the midwives allow me to schedule my 20 week ultrasound this week. If not, I'm going to call the doctor's office and see if they'll schedule me so they don't do it late and have me waiting until week 25 (which, btw, would be mid August!), So I'm really hoping that at this time next week, I'll know when we can have the party and have that big appointment scheduled.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
11 Weeks
Thursdays are my favorite days. Before I even opened my eyes for the morning, it occurred to me that I was now 11 weeks, and it made me smile. What a great way to start the day!
Some symptoms are getting a bit better while others are worse. Morning sickness comes and goes in waves now, where it'll be a bit dormant for a day or two and then come back viciously. Breast soreness is getting increasingly worse and I'm always tired. I can wake up and then two hours later, I'm dying for a nap. It doesn't help that my bladder can not hold anything at all and has me get up every two to three hours to run to the bathroom. Insomnia then kicks in and it takes forever to get back to sleep each time. No wonder I crave naps! I'm eating like crazy as well, but I have been for weeks now. I think I'm actually getting hungrier, but that may just be my stomach expanding. My cravings are getting more serious and harder to ignore. I'm still gaining weight, but not quite at such a rapid pace. I started at 114 and I'm now slightly above 120. With how much I eat, I keep expecting to step on the scale and jump to 130, especially with how big my belly gets!
Only seven more days until my next appointment. I can not wait. I keep counting the days. I can't wait to hear the heartbeat and feel relieved again. I was going a bit batty today, between not getting enough sleep and knowing I'm now in that time where I started to miscarry Elizabeth, that I nearly spent all of my money I've been saving on a doppler. I know it seems silly, especially since I'll be going to an appointment in exactly one week, but my nerves are a bit frayed lately and want reassurance again. I just need to make it into second trimester safely.
I felt pretty good today. I did as many dishes as I could before Katie got up from nap, made pudding cookies, and straightened up a bit. I'm currently ready to crash so I wouldn't say I had more energy today, but I felt well enough to actually get things accomplished. Personally, I think it might be from the amazing steak, onions and mushrooms Bill made me last night at midnight. I was craving meat so badly and once I got it, I felt like I could do so much. I felt so much better. We have chicken, tuna or some kind of meat about every other day or so, but steak just made so much more of a difference. I'm hoping to get to eat more this weekend!
Here's this week's belly picture:
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Last day of week 10
I went to the chiropractor a few days ago and I feel so much better. My tailbone had me bent over in extreme pain, my shoulder blades were so tight together that it was getting hard to breathe (he had to work a while to get them to be less tight!) and my neck needed adjusting so badly, as I was starting to get bad headaches again. While I'm still having some issues with my tailbone, I also have energy, I can breathe deeper, and no headaches. Apparently part of my problem with my tailbone is the part that it's attached to was turned almost sideways, it was so crooked, which put a lot of strain and pressure on my tailbone, forcing it to also be crooked. After a few odd, uncomfortable adjustments, it feels like part of the problem is solved for now.
This is my last day of week 10. This week took SO long, I feel like I've been stuck in it for a month. I'm not sure what slowed it down, especially because we've been so busy, but it feels like it's been forever since I got to do an belly pic, write about how this week went, and watch my tickers get a little farther along. I'm so eager for week 11, I'm inching closer to second tri!
Morning sickness is getting better. Not at an alarming, scary rate, but I've been reduced to dry heaving instead of vomitting, and it happens most in the morning and night instead of all day. My bloating reduced into just a hard belly now that doesn't really change size much (but looks really big constantly now!)
I do take naps almost every day now, even if they're short ones I tend to need that extra boost or I'm dragging all day.
I've been working daily with Katie to get her to be capable of taking care of things herself more. She loves having more freedom to do things herself, and it's helping me as well. We're also doing better with weaning. I'm still in so much pain, so that's a big motivation, and she's big enough to start understanding. Yesterday she only nursed to sleep for about five minutes and that was it. She fell asleep for nap twice without it, didn't have it when waking, and while she was whiny to not have it during the day as a snack, she dealt with it pretty well. When I only gave her five minutes to nurse to sleep, she took it, then rolled over and fell asleep after it on her own.
I'm so eager for my next appointment on the 30th. I know that while I feel good and all signs point to everything on track, I can not wait to hear that heartbeat at 12 weeks. It'll be such a big relief again, and I'll feel home free. While I'm not holding back anything with this baby including making lots of plans (more on that below), I will really enjoy sliding into second trimester and getting past this 12 week hump that holds such bad memories. Once I'm free of that, I think I'll feel amazing.
For now, I'm occupying my time making a wish list for the baby. I separated what I MUST have for the baby (like my Boba 3G carrier, a Britax Convertible Carseat, and a crib mattress for Katie), what I want to decorate and change the theme of the nursery, and then what I'd love to get if there's any extra money. After all, this baby will come before Christmas, so they'll need Christmas gifts too! Might as well not be 8-9 months pregnant and panicking over what I want to get. Nothing like early preparation!
Here's my current list from a website I just found today and LOVE. It lets you make a registry from ALL the websites, this one combines amazon, BRU and Walmart so far and keeps it all organized. You can see there's a pretty clear theme for both boy and girl, I think. lol
Baby Registry
This is my last day of week 10. This week took SO long, I feel like I've been stuck in it for a month. I'm not sure what slowed it down, especially because we've been so busy, but it feels like it's been forever since I got to do an belly pic, write about how this week went, and watch my tickers get a little farther along. I'm so eager for week 11, I'm inching closer to second tri!
Morning sickness is getting better. Not at an alarming, scary rate, but I've been reduced to dry heaving instead of vomitting, and it happens most in the morning and night instead of all day. My bloating reduced into just a hard belly now that doesn't really change size much (but looks really big constantly now!)
I do take naps almost every day now, even if they're short ones I tend to need that extra boost or I'm dragging all day.
I've been working daily with Katie to get her to be capable of taking care of things herself more. She loves having more freedom to do things herself, and it's helping me as well. We're also doing better with weaning. I'm still in so much pain, so that's a big motivation, and she's big enough to start understanding. Yesterday she only nursed to sleep for about five minutes and that was it. She fell asleep for nap twice without it, didn't have it when waking, and while she was whiny to not have it during the day as a snack, she dealt with it pretty well. When I only gave her five minutes to nurse to sleep, she took it, then rolled over and fell asleep after it on her own.
I'm so eager for my next appointment on the 30th. I know that while I feel good and all signs point to everything on track, I can not wait to hear that heartbeat at 12 weeks. It'll be such a big relief again, and I'll feel home free. While I'm not holding back anything with this baby including making lots of plans (more on that below), I will really enjoy sliding into second trimester and getting past this 12 week hump that holds such bad memories. Once I'm free of that, I think I'll feel amazing.
For now, I'm occupying my time making a wish list for the baby. I separated what I MUST have for the baby (like my Boba 3G carrier, a Britax Convertible Carseat, and a crib mattress for Katie), what I want to decorate and change the theme of the nursery, and then what I'd love to get if there's any extra money. After all, this baby will come before Christmas, so they'll need Christmas gifts too! Might as well not be 8-9 months pregnant and panicking over what I want to get. Nothing like early preparation!
Here's my current list from a website I just found today and LOVE. It lets you make a registry from ALL the websites, this one combines amazon, BRU and Walmart so far and keeps it all organized. You can see there's a pretty clear theme for both boy and girl, I think. lol
Baby Registry
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Planning for Parties
I've been a bit down for a day or so. Something got into me, a random thought that struck me as Katie and I were going for a walk the other day. In my head, I couldn't stop thinking of the baby, of things I wanted to do when it's born, ideas for Christmas, and just excitement in general for this new life to be expanding our family. And then it hit me anew, to realize how devastating it was to lose Elizabeth. I was like this with her, but even moreso. I was even more eager, more happy...because I knew her. In a way I can't figure out how to express, I knew her closer than anything. I knew she was a girl, I knew how her personality would be - from the type of infant she would be like to the type of adult. I knew the things she would like, and how our relationship would be together. Even from such an early on time, I knew her, probably better than I even know Katie. It was just this overwhelming sense. It wasn't my imagination, it was her telling me who she was, because she knew I wouldn't have the time with her to learn day by day.
It hurts to remember how much of a life I had planned for her, how much I knew her and then lost her. Being excited for this baby, getting so thrilled at the idea and making plans, makes me think back on the hurt of losing Elizabeth.
Tonight, I decided not to focus on that. This baby is it's own life, and while there's pain there, plans need to be made and excitement needs to be had over this little one. In contrast to Elizabeth, I feel like I don't know this baby at all...but that's exciting too. I decided that holy cow, it's mid MAY. I need to start planning full force! Katie has a birthday party coming up really soon, and at the end of that party is a big gender reveal! (You know, hopefully...as long as baby decides to show us...if not it's going to be a very lackluster gender party! "As it turns out, your guess is as good as ours. Oops?"
So today I sat down with a notebook and two windows open in Pinterest and went to it. I wrote down every idea that I wanted to do inspired by Pinterest, I wrote down everything that I wanted to do from my own ideas, and then drew the whole thing out. I figured out how to do both parties in one day but to keep them separate, what the menu will be (a Minnie Lunch and a Gender Reveal dessert menu), all the decorations and color coordination, I figured out the exact way to announce the gender (there will be gender cake, but that'll just be for eating!), what will go in the goodie bags, and figured out some fun things for everyone to do.
I wish I could type it all up here. I could write it all where it's easily accessible and with pictures to describe each thing...but how fun would that be on party day? So I guess I'll just keep this paper, hope I don't lose it, and start to work on the decorations (because there will be A LOT of stuff to do for both of these parties! Last year I started getting ready for ONE party in March, and here I am trying to do two in much less time!)
Now to figure out...what will I dress Katie in?? I can not begin to settle on an outfit!
It hurts to remember how much of a life I had planned for her, how much I knew her and then lost her. Being excited for this baby, getting so thrilled at the idea and making plans, makes me think back on the hurt of losing Elizabeth.
Tonight, I decided not to focus on that. This baby is it's own life, and while there's pain there, plans need to be made and excitement needs to be had over this little one. In contrast to Elizabeth, I feel like I don't know this baby at all...but that's exciting too. I decided that holy cow, it's mid MAY. I need to start planning full force! Katie has a birthday party coming up really soon, and at the end of that party is a big gender reveal! (You know, hopefully...as long as baby decides to show us...if not it's going to be a very lackluster gender party! "As it turns out, your guess is as good as ours. Oops?"
So today I sat down with a notebook and two windows open in Pinterest and went to it. I wrote down every idea that I wanted to do inspired by Pinterest, I wrote down everything that I wanted to do from my own ideas, and then drew the whole thing out. I figured out how to do both parties in one day but to keep them separate, what the menu will be (a Minnie Lunch and a Gender Reveal dessert menu), all the decorations and color coordination, I figured out the exact way to announce the gender (there will be gender cake, but that'll just be for eating!), what will go in the goodie bags, and figured out some fun things for everyone to do.
I wish I could type it all up here. I could write it all where it's easily accessible and with pictures to describe each thing...but how fun would that be on party day? So I guess I'll just keep this paper, hope I don't lose it, and start to work on the decorations (because there will be A LOT of stuff to do for both of these parties! Last year I started getting ready for ONE party in March, and here I am trying to do two in much less time!)
Now to figure out...what will I dress Katie in?? I can not begin to settle on an outfit!
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Week Ten
I'm ten weeks today! Double digits! Really makes it feel like a big milestone, even though I'm still a few weeks off from second trimester, it feels like I'm actually getting somewhere now.
So far, everything is getting worse as far as symptoms. I'm SO sick, I'm exhausted most of the time, my tailbone feels like there's a huge amount of pressure on it all the time now...it's been a rough week! I've just been trying to survive through each day lately, doing what I have to and letting go of what I don't. I'm eager to feel better in second tri, and to get back in the kitchen! I miss cooking more than simple, short meals and eating freezer meals. I miss baking cookies and cupcakes and brownies. Only a few more weeks...hopefully!
So far, everything is getting worse as far as symptoms. I'm SO sick, I'm exhausted most of the time, my tailbone feels like there's a huge amount of pressure on it all the time now...it's been a rough week! I've just been trying to survive through each day lately, doing what I have to and letting go of what I don't. I'm eager to feel better in second tri, and to get back in the kitchen! I miss cooking more than simple, short meals and eating freezer meals. I miss baking cookies and cupcakes and brownies. Only a few more weeks...hopefully!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mother's Day
Days like today really make me reflect on the past. To celebrate this Mother's Day, I have to think back to last Mother's Day, my very first one. We decided to spend the day fishing, the first time Katie ever went fishing. Afterwards, we went to a steak house and discussed how amazing our lives were now that Katie was with us. We were so happy and thankful to be a family of three.
And now this year...it's so different. Who would have ever guessed that this year, I'd be the mommy to not one, not two but THREE children? The last year has changed us so much, so much has happened. Our little family of three has changed over and over again. I have so much more to be thankful for this year. To think of where we were this year and where we are this year, it really makes me understand how blessed my life is.
Our first blessing, our Katie Belle, has taught be so much about being a mommy. She's been patient with me as I figured out each part of motherhood, each part so new and different to anything else I've done in my life. Katie taught me to believe in miracles, and she formed a love inside me so deep, I wanted to be the best for her in every way possible.
Elizabeth taught me something just as special. She taught me how to me a mommy to a forever perfect angel. She reminded me how to rely on God in all times, but especially in the dark ones. She taught me to appreciate everything in life, because nothing is a guarentee. Elizabeth is the very essence of "live in the moment". I now know how and why to take each day as it's own wonderful blessing, and to enjoy each day as it comes.
And now, there's this new baby. While I don't know much about our #3 yet, I've already learned so much more in my path to motherhood. This baby teaches me that every step is a walk of faith. This baby lets me know how there can be so much good and light after a time where nothing felt like it could ever feel good or right ever again. I learn a little more each day that I have to keep full trust in God, that He'll see me through scary, shaky times and fulfill the promises He gives.
Each child has brought me closer to God. Each child teaches me something new and beautiful. My life is enriched so much by each new life brought to us. To look back on last Mother's Day, I'm in awe of how much I've grown in every way from my children, and how each one has taught me such valuable lessons. I couldn't be more grateful for my journey in motherhood.
Pictures of how I spent some of my Mother's Day, celebrating all of my children in one spot! (Katie and Elizabeth both had something that said they are going to be big sisters!)
And now this year...it's so different. Who would have ever guessed that this year, I'd be the mommy to not one, not two but THREE children? The last year has changed us so much, so much has happened. Our little family of three has changed over and over again. I have so much more to be thankful for this year. To think of where we were this year and where we are this year, it really makes me understand how blessed my life is.
Our first blessing, our Katie Belle, has taught be so much about being a mommy. She's been patient with me as I figured out each part of motherhood, each part so new and different to anything else I've done in my life. Katie taught me to believe in miracles, and she formed a love inside me so deep, I wanted to be the best for her in every way possible.
Elizabeth taught me something just as special. She taught me how to me a mommy to a forever perfect angel. She reminded me how to rely on God in all times, but especially in the dark ones. She taught me to appreciate everything in life, because nothing is a guarentee. Elizabeth is the very essence of "live in the moment". I now know how and why to take each day as it's own wonderful blessing, and to enjoy each day as it comes.
And now, there's this new baby. While I don't know much about our #3 yet, I've already learned so much more in my path to motherhood. This baby teaches me that every step is a walk of faith. This baby lets me know how there can be so much good and light after a time where nothing felt like it could ever feel good or right ever again. I learn a little more each day that I have to keep full trust in God, that He'll see me through scary, shaky times and fulfill the promises He gives.
Each child has brought me closer to God. Each child teaches me something new and beautiful. My life is enriched so much by each new life brought to us. To look back on last Mother's Day, I'm in awe of how much I've grown in every way from my children, and how each one has taught me such valuable lessons. I couldn't be more grateful for my journey in motherhood.
Pictures of how I spent some of my Mother's Day, celebrating all of my children in one spot! (Katie and Elizabeth both had something that said they are going to be big sisters!)
Thursday, May 9, 2013
9 Week Ultrasound
Last ultrasound at 6 weeks, I came home crying. This ultrasound, I came home crying again, but only in the best way possible. I went there, and was shocked that I didn't get my usual belly ache and shaky nerves. Katie forced me to parade around the waiting room, which was quite busy, and wanted to run around playing, but they took me back within 10 minutes or so. After that, sitting next to the machine that has seen me through so much, they had me wait for 47 minutes (yes, I was timing it!) Bill finally thought they had forgotten about us and opened the door to see if anyone was around, but as soon as he did, the doctor was right outside to come in.
Immediately, the doctor seemed to know how nervous I was. I guess it showed, a half hour sitting in the room had worn on me. I had started to feel a bit panicked, wondering if being only positive was a good idea. What if it didn't go how I was hoping? I hadn't prepared for it, and I knew I would just completely break down. I got scared that I wouldn't be able to keep it together at all. The doctor didn't fool around this time, usually he jokes around and talks, but this time he only asked how I was feeling and if I was sick, then started the ultrasound.
The problem with this kind of ultrasound is while it's still away from the uterus, it can't see much. At first, I saw my uterus blank, which made me immediately hold my breath. As it got closer, I could see a flicker of something, but couldn't tell how big it was. Finally, though it was only for about two seconds, it waved over the baby. Those two seconds were all I needed to start to cry - I saw a head and little body that looked exactly like a 9 week old baby. He quickly went back to the baby, and asked "can you see that? That's the heartbeat." I said yes, but honestly my vision was so blurry that it took a few seconds for me to actually see the little heart beating away. He turned the sound on for me then and let me listen for a while, saying it was a healthy, perfect little heartbeat. He measured the baby, which was 8 weeks and 4days, exactly the same length of days behind as my last ultrasound when he measured "what might be baby" at 5w, 4d when I was 6 weeks. After taking pictures and measuring, he checked my ovary and said that looked fine, and then it was over.
I immediately asked for copies of pictures, which (I suppose while I was trying to dry my eyes) he had already printed out for me and handed them. As soon as I was holding pictures of the baby and he reviewed that baby looked perfect, that there was almost a zero percent chance that anything would happen, and that I can calm down and relax now, I started crying again. It was SO hard to believe that this time, my every hope and dream came true. It couldn't have went more perfect. This time, I had that perfect ultrasound that I've spent every day and night praying for.
Afterwards, Bill surprised me with going to Chick-Fil-A (I thought he made a wrong turn and didn't know where the baby store was) and after eating, we went to Babies R Us to pick out a little stuffed animal. I felt so guilty a few days ago, I've been so worried and busy being nervous about this ultrasound that I forgot about my fun little traditions, like getting a stuffed animal each time. For Katie, I got it at 5 weeks, for Elizabeth, I got it at 7, and for this little one, I got it at 9. Bill asked if he could pick out this one, and since I picked out Katie's and Katie picked out Elizabeth and both times he wasn't there, I said that was fine. While I passed some adorable little animals like a crooked smile duckie and a musical giraffe that had rainbow dots all over it, Bill chose a little light blue doggie. While I was against the blue, he then said if it's a girl I can buy lots of pink stuff to put around the blue doggie to make up for it. Well, I was sold there and let him get the blue dog. I also sold him on the nursery set I'll be getting if it's a little boy (they had the entire line of Monsters Inc nursery set, which is even more adorable in real life than in the pictures I've seen!) since we only have little girl bedding and nursery supplies. I think we'd actually spend more money on a boy at this rate than a little girl!
Here's our ultrasound pictures of our little snowflake:
And my 9 week picture for today:
Immediately, the doctor seemed to know how nervous I was. I guess it showed, a half hour sitting in the room had worn on me. I had started to feel a bit panicked, wondering if being only positive was a good idea. What if it didn't go how I was hoping? I hadn't prepared for it, and I knew I would just completely break down. I got scared that I wouldn't be able to keep it together at all. The doctor didn't fool around this time, usually he jokes around and talks, but this time he only asked how I was feeling and if I was sick, then started the ultrasound.
The problem with this kind of ultrasound is while it's still away from the uterus, it can't see much. At first, I saw my uterus blank, which made me immediately hold my breath. As it got closer, I could see a flicker of something, but couldn't tell how big it was. Finally, though it was only for about two seconds, it waved over the baby. Those two seconds were all I needed to start to cry - I saw a head and little body that looked exactly like a 9 week old baby. He quickly went back to the baby, and asked "can you see that? That's the heartbeat." I said yes, but honestly my vision was so blurry that it took a few seconds for me to actually see the little heart beating away. He turned the sound on for me then and let me listen for a while, saying it was a healthy, perfect little heartbeat. He measured the baby, which was 8 weeks and 4days, exactly the same length of days behind as my last ultrasound when he measured "what might be baby" at 5w, 4d when I was 6 weeks. After taking pictures and measuring, he checked my ovary and said that looked fine, and then it was over.
I immediately asked for copies of pictures, which (I suppose while I was trying to dry my eyes) he had already printed out for me and handed them. As soon as I was holding pictures of the baby and he reviewed that baby looked perfect, that there was almost a zero percent chance that anything would happen, and that I can calm down and relax now, I started crying again. It was SO hard to believe that this time, my every hope and dream came true. It couldn't have went more perfect. This time, I had that perfect ultrasound that I've spent every day and night praying for.
Afterwards, Bill surprised me with going to Chick-Fil-A (I thought he made a wrong turn and didn't know where the baby store was) and after eating, we went to Babies R Us to pick out a little stuffed animal. I felt so guilty a few days ago, I've been so worried and busy being nervous about this ultrasound that I forgot about my fun little traditions, like getting a stuffed animal each time. For Katie, I got it at 5 weeks, for Elizabeth, I got it at 7, and for this little one, I got it at 9. Bill asked if he could pick out this one, and since I picked out Katie's and Katie picked out Elizabeth and both times he wasn't there, I said that was fine. While I passed some adorable little animals like a crooked smile duckie and a musical giraffe that had rainbow dots all over it, Bill chose a little light blue doggie. While I was against the blue, he then said if it's a girl I can buy lots of pink stuff to put around the blue doggie to make up for it. Well, I was sold there and let him get the blue dog. I also sold him on the nursery set I'll be getting if it's a little boy (they had the entire line of Monsters Inc nursery set, which is even more adorable in real life than in the pictures I've seen!) since we only have little girl bedding and nursery supplies. I think we'd actually spend more money on a boy at this rate than a little girl!
Here's our ultrasound pictures of our little snowflake:
And my 9 week picture for today:
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
The day before
Alright, at this time tomorrow, I'll be at the doctor's office, getting the ultrasound, finding out what's going on. Just 24 more hours to go.
I admit, I hate that it's raining. It puts me on edge. Every single time I got bad news from this doctor's office, from tumors, cancer and miscarriage, it's been a rainy day. I checked the weather and yep, it's supposed to rain tomorrow. Funny enough, it's only supposed to rain during my appointment and right after. That's my luck, isn't it? LOL
The other day, I woke up vaguely remembering that in the middle of the night, I was able to feel my uterus and fundal line. When I checked, I couldn't feel it so I figured it must have been in my dreams. But this morning I checked again at 5 AM, before any bloat could appear, and there it was: a firm feeling bump that was just coming above my pelvic bone, maybe about a half inch or so. I could feel it actually coming from behind my pelvic bone, so I can't imagine what else it could be but my uterus. I know it's a few weeks early, but maybe this being my third pregnancy is making the uterus stretch faster? I asked a few other mommies who are on multiple pregnancies and they said they could feel it earlier too, so maybe it's not so rare after your first/second baby. I couldn't feel it so soon with Elizabeth, but that may have been from other causes too. I'm hoping that this is my uterus and it's a good sign that the pregnancy is progressing on track and healthy.
I'm happy to report (mostly) that none of my symptoms are lessening at all, but continuing to get worse. Everything from throwing up to exhaustion is increasing. Around 9 weeks last time, they all started to slowly disappear, but so far there's nothing like that happening this time.
I admit, I hate that it's raining. It puts me on edge. Every single time I got bad news from this doctor's office, from tumors, cancer and miscarriage, it's been a rainy day. I checked the weather and yep, it's supposed to rain tomorrow. Funny enough, it's only supposed to rain during my appointment and right after. That's my luck, isn't it? LOL
The other day, I woke up vaguely remembering that in the middle of the night, I was able to feel my uterus and fundal line. When I checked, I couldn't feel it so I figured it must have been in my dreams. But this morning I checked again at 5 AM, before any bloat could appear, and there it was: a firm feeling bump that was just coming above my pelvic bone, maybe about a half inch or so. I could feel it actually coming from behind my pelvic bone, so I can't imagine what else it could be but my uterus. I know it's a few weeks early, but maybe this being my third pregnancy is making the uterus stretch faster? I asked a few other mommies who are on multiple pregnancies and they said they could feel it earlier too, so maybe it's not so rare after your first/second baby. I couldn't feel it so soon with Elizabeth, but that may have been from other causes too. I'm hoping that this is my uterus and it's a good sign that the pregnancy is progressing on track and healthy.
I'm happy to report (mostly) that none of my symptoms are lessening at all, but continuing to get worse. Everything from throwing up to exhaustion is increasing. Around 9 weeks last time, they all started to slowly disappear, but so far there's nothing like that happening this time.
Monday, May 6, 2013
8.5 weeks
Three days left until the ultrasound. Of course the days are going by so slowly! The doctor's office called this morning, which made me scared that they were going to cancel and move my appointment again. Luckily though, it was just to confirm.
I can't stop eating today. Even when my belly tells me that I'm probably full, something keeps me hungry. Can't tell if my belly is just upset and saying it's full, or I'm eating more than I realize.
Katie just did the most adorable thing, she came over to where I was sitting, climbed up and pulled my shirt away from my belly. She just suddenly kept rubbing and patting my belly and laying her head down on it. When I asked her what she was doing, she just giggled or told me "shhhh." It was so cute, I'm not sure what made her do it but she's never done anything like that before, and she kept doing it for a good fifteen minutes.
This morning Bill and I started talking about how Christmas is going to have to go with the new baby. It was exciting and started to feel more real, putting down plans and discussing it. I noticed that Bill has been getting more excited too, he brings up the baby more and he puts his hand on my belly a lot. He said he's been happier lately, knowing that we're expanding our family again and having another baby.
As sick as I've been, I realized that I really do love being pregnant. With Katie, everything was new and scary and I had no idea what was going on. While I enjoyed my pregnancy with her, I don't think I truly loved it yet. With Elizabeth, I loved the pregnancy. I was so glad to finally be pregnant. But with this pregnancy, and I suppose with the total emptiness that the end of Elizabeth's pregnancy left me with, I really realized that I do love being pregnant. It's like no other time in my life. While I get sick as a dog, I limb around with horrible back pains, and I can't go near a car, I still really enjoy this time.
I can't stop eating today. Even when my belly tells me that I'm probably full, something keeps me hungry. Can't tell if my belly is just upset and saying it's full, or I'm eating more than I realize.
Katie just did the most adorable thing, she came over to where I was sitting, climbed up and pulled my shirt away from my belly. She just suddenly kept rubbing and patting my belly and laying her head down on it. When I asked her what she was doing, she just giggled or told me "shhhh." It was so cute, I'm not sure what made her do it but she's never done anything like that before, and she kept doing it for a good fifteen minutes.
This morning Bill and I started talking about how Christmas is going to have to go with the new baby. It was exciting and started to feel more real, putting down plans and discussing it. I noticed that Bill has been getting more excited too, he brings up the baby more and he puts his hand on my belly a lot. He said he's been happier lately, knowing that we're expanding our family again and having another baby.
As sick as I've been, I realized that I really do love being pregnant. With Katie, everything was new and scary and I had no idea what was going on. While I enjoyed my pregnancy with her, I don't think I truly loved it yet. With Elizabeth, I loved the pregnancy. I was so glad to finally be pregnant. But with this pregnancy, and I suppose with the total emptiness that the end of Elizabeth's pregnancy left me with, I really realized that I do love being pregnant. It's like no other time in my life. While I get sick as a dog, I limb around with horrible back pains, and I can't go near a car, I still really enjoy this time.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Two Months
I'm now over two months pregnant. That's a nice way to put it, I think. 8 weeks sounds so early still, but two months pregnant out of nine sounds a bit better. It sounds like I'm getting somewhere. At the end of this month, I'll be leaving first tri and going into second. That's reassuring! Knowing I'm a month late for my period and have had no spotting at all is also reassuring. Having a missed miscarriage happens only 1% of the time. I can't imagine how rare it is to have a missed miscarriage twice in a row back to back, within three months when the odds of just having one is so low. Given that, if something was wrong like in a standard miscarriage, I should be showing signs. I'm not cramping, I'm not spotting...so far the only signs are of a healthy pregnancy.
Sciatica started last night really badly. Who knew it would start this time at 8 weeks?? But I've been talking to other mommies who are on their 2nd and 3rd pregnancies who are also getting it around this time. I get heat flashes roughly every hour or two, I get sick every time I enter the kitchen or, if I make it that far, open the fridge (couldn't stop dry heaving yesterday each time I tried opening the door, it kept getting so bad that I thought my blood vessels were going to break!)
I just have to make it to next Thursday. May 9th, I'll know everything that's going on, it'll give me all of my answers. The waiting has been torturous, trying every day to actively convince myself that even though I didn't get to see a baby or heartbeat last time, that things have progressed and have continued to be healthy and on track.
I can't wait to truly get to breathe again, instead of there always being this question mark. I try so hard to be secure in this pregnancy, I tell the baby that it's healthy, I pray that it's healthy, I tell myself that it must be healthy....but that doesn't mean I can actually feel relaxed and comfortable until I'm shown what's going on in there. I wish so much that I could see! If I could hear the heartbeat at this stage, I probably would have gotten a doppler, but I'm too scared that it'll freak me out more because it's hard to hear before 10 weeks for normal people...a tilted uterus definitely wouldn't help me situation.
I just want so much to have this baby. It seems like everyone else on baby boards and people I know can do this effortlessly. I hate that every day I get nervous. I miss when a positive pregnancy test felt like a guarantee, like we were definitely having a baby, instead of just feeling like a possibility. I miss having carefree pregnancies. I hope that once I reach second tri, that maybe I can relax enough to have an almost carefree pregnancy.
Sciatica started last night really badly. Who knew it would start this time at 8 weeks?? But I've been talking to other mommies who are on their 2nd and 3rd pregnancies who are also getting it around this time. I get heat flashes roughly every hour or two, I get sick every time I enter the kitchen or, if I make it that far, open the fridge (couldn't stop dry heaving yesterday each time I tried opening the door, it kept getting so bad that I thought my blood vessels were going to break!)
I just have to make it to next Thursday. May 9th, I'll know everything that's going on, it'll give me all of my answers. The waiting has been torturous, trying every day to actively convince myself that even though I didn't get to see a baby or heartbeat last time, that things have progressed and have continued to be healthy and on track.
I can't wait to truly get to breathe again, instead of there always being this question mark. I try so hard to be secure in this pregnancy, I tell the baby that it's healthy, I pray that it's healthy, I tell myself that it must be healthy....but that doesn't mean I can actually feel relaxed and comfortable until I'm shown what's going on in there. I wish so much that I could see! If I could hear the heartbeat at this stage, I probably would have gotten a doppler, but I'm too scared that it'll freak me out more because it's hard to hear before 10 weeks for normal people...a tilted uterus definitely wouldn't help me situation.
I just want so much to have this baby. It seems like everyone else on baby boards and people I know can do this effortlessly. I hate that every day I get nervous. I miss when a positive pregnancy test felt like a guarantee, like we were definitely having a baby, instead of just feeling like a possibility. I miss having carefree pregnancies. I hope that once I reach second tri, that maybe I can relax enough to have an almost carefree pregnancy.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Eight Weeks
Eight weeks today! On a whole, this pregnancy seems to be speeding by. Each week seems to drag a bit, but to think that it's now been four whole weeks - an entire month - since we found out we're pregnant?? It seems crazy. It feels like we've only known for half that time at most. I can't believe how fast April went for us. Usually this is the slowest time in pregnancy, so it's surprising. If only this month can go the same speed and then slow down at the end, I'd love to start feeling safe in second trimester.
My ultrasound is exactly a week away now. I'm so anxious for it. I got so crazy yesterday while I was sleepy that I nearly called the doctor's office to beg for an earlier appointment. I've never heard of someone coming in for a heartbeat check three weeks after. Everyone else I know had one done within ONE week. It's rough having to wait, but my fearful side sometimes says that it's better to wait anyway. Nine weeks will show more than seven or eight weeks, and for now I have nothing to taint feeling like this is a totally normal pregnancy.
Symptoms are all the same, just worst. Sick, emotional, exhausted, hungry and craving but feel sick at most foods in the house, smells are strong, I'm more and more bloated out by the week, etc. It doesn't help with my sickness that I feel like I'm on hyper alert with it right now, as with Elizabeth, my sickness started to go down around 8-9 weeks. It wasn't as constant. By 10 weeks, it was waning. What rough weeks, as in normal pregnancies that's when the placenta takes over and it's supposed to get easier. It is a good thing that I'll be getting an ultrasound in the middle of that so I can feel secure if my sickness does get any better. I'm thinking about getting the nuchal scan at 12 weeks too. I don't want to overdo the ultrasounds because that's not good either, but I don't want to feel scared every few weeks with no way to check either. 12 weeks was when I started to miscarry. If I can see that my baby is healthy while entering second trimester, I think I'll calm down a lot.
Bill and I had to make a deal yesterday, as the sickness is just getting too bad now. He's going to do the dishes for me twice a day, before and after work, so all I have to do is empty the strainer inbetween. Since I have no problems with clean dishes, this is a great situation. It'll give me more time to focus on the rest of the house, I won't need to get so sick in the kitchen and cry in frustration as much, and the dishes will get done faster. I've invested in paper plates and plastic forks and cups, so hopefully he won't have much to do at all anyway.
Weight update - I've now gained 5.5 lbs in the last month. My belly is showing it! Here is my eight week picture: (taken in the morning when I'm at my smallest..it gets much bigger than this!)
My ultrasound is exactly a week away now. I'm so anxious for it. I got so crazy yesterday while I was sleepy that I nearly called the doctor's office to beg for an earlier appointment. I've never heard of someone coming in for a heartbeat check three weeks after. Everyone else I know had one done within ONE week. It's rough having to wait, but my fearful side sometimes says that it's better to wait anyway. Nine weeks will show more than seven or eight weeks, and for now I have nothing to taint feeling like this is a totally normal pregnancy.
Symptoms are all the same, just worst. Sick, emotional, exhausted, hungry and craving but feel sick at most foods in the house, smells are strong, I'm more and more bloated out by the week, etc. It doesn't help with my sickness that I feel like I'm on hyper alert with it right now, as with Elizabeth, my sickness started to go down around 8-9 weeks. It wasn't as constant. By 10 weeks, it was waning. What rough weeks, as in normal pregnancies that's when the placenta takes over and it's supposed to get easier. It is a good thing that I'll be getting an ultrasound in the middle of that so I can feel secure if my sickness does get any better. I'm thinking about getting the nuchal scan at 12 weeks too. I don't want to overdo the ultrasounds because that's not good either, but I don't want to feel scared every few weeks with no way to check either. 12 weeks was when I started to miscarry. If I can see that my baby is healthy while entering second trimester, I think I'll calm down a lot.
Bill and I had to make a deal yesterday, as the sickness is just getting too bad now. He's going to do the dishes for me twice a day, before and after work, so all I have to do is empty the strainer inbetween. Since I have no problems with clean dishes, this is a great situation. It'll give me more time to focus on the rest of the house, I won't need to get so sick in the kitchen and cry in frustration as much, and the dishes will get done faster. I've invested in paper plates and plastic forks and cups, so hopefully he won't have much to do at all anyway.
Weight update - I've now gained 5.5 lbs in the last month. My belly is showing it! Here is my eight week picture: (taken in the morning when I'm at my smallest..it gets much bigger than this!)
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