Hope

I read this over and over. Not for the friend part, not for anyone trying to open a door for me before I'm ready, but the core part about that Door of Hope. I sit and wonder about it, try to think where it is. The first time I read this, I thought that maybe I'm already through that door. I'm hoping to get pregnant, hoping to have a baby again. But the more I read it, the more it feels like I'm sitting outside the door, tracing patterns into the dirt, biding my time and waiting until it's unlocked. I feel like I knock and call out every few weeks, but when no one answers, I sit back and I wait....and wait...and wait.

I feel ready to go in, but my body keeps me sitting. I feel like I'm ready, but someone hasn't come to me to unlock the door and let me in.

With all the scares I have, the grief I carry all the time, the hole in my heart, I don't think I can get in. I think I need to be shown the way, by no one around me but by someone new. One angel left my arms, and I need another to come and show me the light and erase the fear, to show me that good can come from such tragedy.

I thought that opening myself up to the possibility of a baby was opening that door of Hope, the door of healing and well being, the door that lets you hold your baby's memory while moving forward. I thought it meant I had already gone through it, but I haven't. I'm sitting here and brooding, sometimes feeling like I'm bloodying my fists upon the door, pounding desperately, but it's still locked. I'm still empty. My only hope is that sometime soon, a new baby will come to help the healing process and let me in.

Right now one of my biggest fears is hope. I try to squash it down in self preservation. I don't dare hope that this is our lucky month. I don't hope for a BFP. I don't hope that AF will be late, or hope that a trip to the store for tests will be needed. I don't hope that this is the month where everything that's broken will start to work again. I don't hope because I'm too afraid that it'll damage me more. I can't bear to be crushed at the end of each cycle. So I fight hope while praying every night that one day I'll be filled with hope and happiness.

What a difficult battle.

The Heartache of Dreams

I had another dream last night about a beautiful newborn baby girl. I saw her so clearly, I kept saying how much she looked like Katie when she was a newborn. Katie was being held by Bill and kept hugging her baby sister. I was so ecstatic in the dream, just blissfully happy and beaming, but the memory of the dream brings tears to my eyes. It keeps stabbing at my heart. I never called the baby girl a name, just kept calling her my wonderful new baby, so I don't know if it was another dream where Elizabeth visited me (since we spent so much time fixing up her grave yesterday and being there for hours, I could see how it would leak into my dreams) or if this was supposed to be a vision of my future rainbow as she looked different than how I usually see Elizabeth. Either way though, it made my arms ache and my heart feel hopelessly empty. I never had a time in my life where I felt so wanting. Each month that passes hurts more. Each period that comes feels like a slap in the face. I'm stuck in this inbetween, where I'm no longer pregnant with Elizabeth but not pregnant with my rainbow and everything in me keeps shouting that it isn't right, that I should be pregnant, that a baby should be here with me and it's not. I suppose it's just my body continuing to grieve, but it's always there, underlining my conscious thoughts. 

My husband told me today that it seems like I'm sad lately. I'm surprised to hear it, as I've been excited about things, happy, smiling. But he says he sees that I'm really sad, and it took me back because I realized he was right. Underneath this all, I am still very sad, and even when I'm not aware of it, it comes out in certain ways. I get agitated more easily, I get frustrated faster. I snap at the dogs instead of finding any enjoyment from them. When I'm alone, I don't notice it, but it never occured to me that he could see what was happening even better than I can. Underlying everything is still signs that I'm grieving. I honestly think it'll stay there and just continue on until I am blessed with another baby, until there's something that can renew my hope and end my fears. 

Struggles

I've been struggling lately. I miss Elizabeth so much that it's crippling. It's the first family oriented holiday that she's gone. Christmas and Thanksgiving was all about her, Thanksgiving we announced we were expecting and on Christmas everyone wanted to talk about her. But now that it's Easter, she's gone. Instead of being 7 months pregnant, I'm not pregnant at all. Instead of chattering about Elizabeth at the family dinner, I'll be aching inside.

The dreams and thoughts I've been flooded with this week don't help the situation. I've tried so hard to keep so busy that there would be no way my mind could catch up to me but it does. There's no outrunning it. I've had dreams about being pregnant and babies so often lately. Last night I woke up from a dream where I found out I was pregnant and wanted to try and wait until Father's Day to tell Bill the good news. I had another dream where I was able to put a positive pregnancy test in his Easter basket. Thoughts about babies pop up constantly. I want to be pregnant again so badly. I want that hope and that positivity I can cling to. I want a happy, healthy, bouncing baby to be in my aching arms. I want our family to expand, to have more children to fill this house with. I just can't understand why it's not happening yet. How could something I want so badly be so far out of reach and out of my control?

Cycle Three

Last post, I was quite a bit upset at the arrival of my period. Sometimes it's hard to remember that when I say "in God's timing",  it doesn't mean "as soon as possible." I admit, I'm struggling to accept that it may take a while to get pregnant. I have such a big fear of having to wait months and months again. I so want to have a baby close to Katie, and that's proving more and more difficult as each month passes by.

After going through all the tests, scans and bloodwork that followed the miscarriage, I was going to skip my cancer check up this year (which is usually an ultrasound, bloodwork and general physical - same that I just had) but today they sent me all my appointments and I decided to go. I might as well make sure that everything is looking okay again. I know it'll come back to haunt me later when I do get pregnant and I'll get scared that I didn't go and something might not be right because I missed it. Over the years, I've gotten used to going to appointments at a certain time. I remember when they changed the appointment time from every six months to once a year, and around that sixth month mark I started to panic and have the need to check what was going on inside. As it was, last night I had a bad dream that something bad happened because I skipped this appointment, so the sneaky panic is already starting to set in. Even though I already had all the tests run, something inside me isn't happy until all the official tests are done and I get the clean bill of health.

I don't know how to label this month. I'm not sure if it counts that we're NTNP anymore, if I'm trying to hit every night to every other night to make sure we don't miss ovulation, whenever that happens this month (last month it came early, the month before it came late). I'm still not charting, I don't even know what cycle day I'm on, but we're also trying to hit more days. At the same time, TTC is not the only reason for doing it, so maybe it is NTNP....I have no idea!

Bitter

I'm struggling today.

I repeat over and over to myself that I'm allowing God to choose when our rainbow should come to us while we NTNP. But I must say, I was very sorely disappointed to get my period this month when I know we hit my ovulation time. I had hoped, because I'm supposed to be super fertile right now, that maybe it would happen early but it hasn't. Not only did it not, but it's a very heavy af combined with a nasty cold, both which are giving me a run for my money and both which has me feeling down.

I went for a walk today to feel better as it was so beautiful out, but it ended up making me feel worse when I saw our newest neighbor, a little newborn baby girl. It hurt, knowing that my neighbor's daughter could have a perfect little girl and I can't. I felt bitter, something I managed to not feel this whole time. It hurt, knowing that someone can have yet another baby with yet another different guy who isn't in the picture, who had to come asking me if I'd give her my little girl's clothing because even though this pregnancy was intentional, she can't afford anything for the baby. It hurts to know that a baby girl was given to her but taken from me, after a year of us trying for her and wanting her so much and having everything ready for her.

I hate that seeing a baby made me hurt so badly and made me question why things happen the way they do. I hate being filled with such bitterness. I know part of the stages of grief is anger, but I had managed to hold that off. Maybe this is some of that seeping in. Either way, I feel guilty for being angry that she can have a miracle. I feel guilty for being so let down that I didn't get pregnant when I said I was leaving it in God's hands while expecting it to just happen. I feel angry at having my period when really it's a blessing that I have a period at all, even if it means I'm not pregnant yet.

Today's just been a weak point. Maybe because I've been so sick for days with running fevers and having a terrible period that have made me feel so down and this on top of it was just crushing. I'm trying so hard to be positive but some days are definitely harder than others.

On to cycle #3

Cycle #2 since my miscarriage just ended. When they say you're super fertile after a miscarriage, maybe they weren't referring to those who only have one ovary...or something. Because I don't feel very fertile. Each period has become depressing reminders of what happened and are like a slap in the face. Each month I hope that something good will come from the miscarriage, that maybe I'll be more fertile so that I'll get pregnant faster but I guess it isn't so.

Blindside

I was so hoping that my emotions would calm by now and I'd be able to have a peaceful NTNP experience. I'm not sure why I even thought that would be a possibility! I'm so anxious to get pregnant again. Well, not get pregnant...I sort of wish I could skip through most of pregnancy and just have a baby. The innocence of "everything will be fine" in pregnancy is gone forever from me now and it makes pregnancy seem so much more intimidating. I know so many people who aren't careful during pregnancy, just trusting that of course everything will work out. I was never one of those people, but I'm even further from that now. I was always so careful during pregnancy, but I always had that naive "it must be okay, it has to work out" mentality. I've been cured of that, but definitely not for the better.

Still, I feel like I can handle another pregnancy. My hormones haven't calmed down enough to stop screaming "baby fever" at me every moment yet, but as I wait, I try to self examine as much as possible. I've been working through my grief with Elizabeth and making sure I fully feel ready for another pregnancy should it happen. I still feel ready, and each day I feel better about my grief.

There's always things that hit in the blindside though, isn't there? Today I read an article about Kate Middleton accidently spilling that she's having a girl. She is due around the same time as I was with Elizabeth and I always knew she would have a girl. The moment they announced it, I said we were going to have girls around the same time. That won't happen now, which hurts, but it's interesting to watch as my feelings I had are coming true. I felt pangs of pain and emptiness reading it, knowing that I was supposed to be right there with her, finding out the gender of my baby and preparing for my little girl. It hurts to know how the rest of the world goes on as I still linger behind in my wishful thinking. It's so very difficult to move on when it feels like everything has come to a stand still. I know another pregnancy will help, it'll reset the weekly clocks that go off in my head saying I should be 20 weeks today, or it's been this many weeks since the worst day of my life happened. It'll give me something new to think about, something positive. It'll push me through new weeks, weeks that bring joy as they pass instead of sorrow. I think the healing that I'm lacking, the healing that won't ever come without something unique to salve it, will only happen with another pregnancy. I'll just keep lacking that healing until it happens. I hope it may happen soon, I so don't want to have to wait another year to get pregnant like I did last time.