I've been struggling lately. I miss Elizabeth so much that it's crippling. It's the first family oriented holiday that she's gone. Christmas and Thanksgiving was all about her, Thanksgiving we announced we were expecting and on Christmas everyone wanted to talk about her. But now that it's Easter, she's gone. Instead of being 7 months pregnant, I'm not pregnant at all. Instead of chattering about Elizabeth at the family dinner, I'll be aching inside.
The dreams and thoughts I've been flooded with this week don't help the situation. I've tried so hard to keep so busy that there would be no way my mind could catch up to me but it does. There's no outrunning it. I've had dreams about being pregnant and babies so often lately. Last night I woke up from a dream where I found out I was pregnant and wanted to try and wait until Father's Day to tell Bill the good news. I had another dream where I was able to put a positive pregnancy test in his Easter basket. Thoughts about babies pop up constantly. I want to be pregnant again so badly. I want that hope and that positivity I can cling to. I want a happy, healthy, bouncing baby to be in my aching arms. I want our family to expand, to have more children to fill this house with. I just can't understand why it's not happening yet. How could something I want so badly be so far out of reach and out of my control?
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