Blindside

I was so hoping that my emotions would calm by now and I'd be able to have a peaceful NTNP experience. I'm not sure why I even thought that would be a possibility! I'm so anxious to get pregnant again. Well, not get pregnant...I sort of wish I could skip through most of pregnancy and just have a baby. The innocence of "everything will be fine" in pregnancy is gone forever from me now and it makes pregnancy seem so much more intimidating. I know so many people who aren't careful during pregnancy, just trusting that of course everything will work out. I was never one of those people, but I'm even further from that now. I was always so careful during pregnancy, but I always had that naive "it must be okay, it has to work out" mentality. I've been cured of that, but definitely not for the better.

Still, I feel like I can handle another pregnancy. My hormones haven't calmed down enough to stop screaming "baby fever" at me every moment yet, but as I wait, I try to self examine as much as possible. I've been working through my grief with Elizabeth and making sure I fully feel ready for another pregnancy should it happen. I still feel ready, and each day I feel better about my grief.

There's always things that hit in the blindside though, isn't there? Today I read an article about Kate Middleton accidently spilling that she's having a girl. She is due around the same time as I was with Elizabeth and I always knew she would have a girl. The moment they announced it, I said we were going to have girls around the same time. That won't happen now, which hurts, but it's interesting to watch as my feelings I had are coming true. I felt pangs of pain and emptiness reading it, knowing that I was supposed to be right there with her, finding out the gender of my baby and preparing for my little girl. It hurts to know how the rest of the world goes on as I still linger behind in my wishful thinking. It's so very difficult to move on when it feels like everything has come to a stand still. I know another pregnancy will help, it'll reset the weekly clocks that go off in my head saying I should be 20 weeks today, or it's been this many weeks since the worst day of my life happened. It'll give me something new to think about, something positive. It'll push me through new weeks, weeks that bring joy as they pass instead of sorrow. I think the healing that I'm lacking, the healing that won't ever come without something unique to salve it, will only happen with another pregnancy. I'll just keep lacking that healing until it happens. I hope it may happen soon, I so don't want to have to wait another year to get pregnant like I did last time.