The Heartache of Dreams

I had another dream last night about a beautiful newborn baby girl. I saw her so clearly, I kept saying how much she looked like Katie when she was a newborn. Katie was being held by Bill and kept hugging her baby sister. I was so ecstatic in the dream, just blissfully happy and beaming, but the memory of the dream brings tears to my eyes. It keeps stabbing at my heart. I never called the baby girl a name, just kept calling her my wonderful new baby, so I don't know if it was another dream where Elizabeth visited me (since we spent so much time fixing up her grave yesterday and being there for hours, I could see how it would leak into my dreams) or if this was supposed to be a vision of my future rainbow as she looked different than how I usually see Elizabeth. Either way though, it made my arms ache and my heart feel hopelessly empty. I never had a time in my life where I felt so wanting. Each month that passes hurts more. Each period that comes feels like a slap in the face. I'm stuck in this inbetween, where I'm no longer pregnant with Elizabeth but not pregnant with my rainbow and everything in me keeps shouting that it isn't right, that I should be pregnant, that a baby should be here with me and it's not. I suppose it's just my body continuing to grieve, but it's always there, underlining my conscious thoughts. 

My husband told me today that it seems like I'm sad lately. I'm surprised to hear it, as I've been excited about things, happy, smiling. But he says he sees that I'm really sad, and it took me back because I realized he was right. Underneath this all, I am still very sad, and even when I'm not aware of it, it comes out in certain ways. I get agitated more easily, I get frustrated faster. I snap at the dogs instead of finding any enjoyment from them. When I'm alone, I don't notice it, but it never occured to me that he could see what was happening even better than I can. Underlying everything is still signs that I'm grieving. I honestly think it'll stay there and just continue on until I am blessed with another baby, until there's something that can renew my hope and end my fears.