Last post, I was quite a bit upset at the arrival of my period. Sometimes it's hard to remember that when I say "in God's timing", it doesn't mean "as soon as possible." I admit, I'm struggling to accept that it may take a while to get pregnant. I have such a big fear of having to wait months and months again. I so want to have a baby close to Katie, and that's proving more and more difficult as each month passes by.
After going through all the tests, scans and bloodwork that followed the miscarriage, I was going to skip my cancer check up this year (which is usually an ultrasound, bloodwork and general physical - same that I just had) but today they sent me all my appointments and I decided to go. I might as well make sure that everything is looking okay again. I know it'll come back to haunt me later when I do get pregnant and I'll get scared that I didn't go and something might not be right because I missed it. Over the years, I've gotten used to going to appointments at a certain time. I remember when they changed the appointment time from every six months to once a year, and around that sixth month mark I started to panic and have the need to check what was going on inside. As it was, last night I had a bad dream that something bad happened because I skipped this appointment, so the sneaky panic is already starting to set in. Even though I already had all the tests run, something inside me isn't happy until all the official tests are done and I get the clean bill of health.
I don't know how to label this month. I'm not sure if it counts that we're NTNP anymore, if I'm trying to hit every night to every other night to make sure we don't miss ovulation, whenever that happens this month (last month it came early, the month before it came late). I'm still not charting, I don't even know what cycle day I'm on, but we're also trying to hit more days. At the same time, TTC is not the only reason for doing it, so maybe it is NTNP....I have no idea!
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