Bitter

I'm struggling today.

I repeat over and over to myself that I'm allowing God to choose when our rainbow should come to us while we NTNP. But I must say, I was very sorely disappointed to get my period this month when I know we hit my ovulation time. I had hoped, because I'm supposed to be super fertile right now, that maybe it would happen early but it hasn't. Not only did it not, but it's a very heavy af combined with a nasty cold, both which are giving me a run for my money and both which has me feeling down.

I went for a walk today to feel better as it was so beautiful out, but it ended up making me feel worse when I saw our newest neighbor, a little newborn baby girl. It hurt, knowing that my neighbor's daughter could have a perfect little girl and I can't. I felt bitter, something I managed to not feel this whole time. It hurt, knowing that someone can have yet another baby with yet another different guy who isn't in the picture, who had to come asking me if I'd give her my little girl's clothing because even though this pregnancy was intentional, she can't afford anything for the baby. It hurts to know that a baby girl was given to her but taken from me, after a year of us trying for her and wanting her so much and having everything ready for her.

I hate that seeing a baby made me hurt so badly and made me question why things happen the way they do. I hate being filled with such bitterness. I know part of the stages of grief is anger, but I had managed to hold that off. Maybe this is some of that seeping in. Either way, I feel guilty for being angry that she can have a miracle. I feel guilty for being so let down that I didn't get pregnant when I said I was leaving it in God's hands while expecting it to just happen. I feel angry at having my period when really it's a blessing that I have a period at all, even if it means I'm not pregnant yet.

Today's just been a weak point. Maybe because I've been so sick for days with running fevers and having a terrible period that have made me feel so down and this on top of it was just crushing. I'm trying so hard to be positive but some days are definitely harder than others.