Hope

I read this over and over. Not for the friend part, not for anyone trying to open a door for me before I'm ready, but the core part about that Door of Hope. I sit and wonder about it, try to think where it is. The first time I read this, I thought that maybe I'm already through that door. I'm hoping to get pregnant, hoping to have a baby again. But the more I read it, the more it feels like I'm sitting outside the door, tracing patterns into the dirt, biding my time and waiting until it's unlocked. I feel like I knock and call out every few weeks, but when no one answers, I sit back and I wait....and wait...and wait.

I feel ready to go in, but my body keeps me sitting. I feel like I'm ready, but someone hasn't come to me to unlock the door and let me in.

With all the scares I have, the grief I carry all the time, the hole in my heart, I don't think I can get in. I think I need to be shown the way, by no one around me but by someone new. One angel left my arms, and I need another to come and show me the light and erase the fear, to show me that good can come from such tragedy.

I thought that opening myself up to the possibility of a baby was opening that door of Hope, the door of healing and well being, the door that lets you hold your baby's memory while moving forward. I thought it meant I had already gone through it, but I haven't. I'm sitting here and brooding, sometimes feeling like I'm bloodying my fists upon the door, pounding desperately, but it's still locked. I'm still empty. My only hope is that sometime soon, a new baby will come to help the healing process and let me in.

Right now one of my biggest fears is hope. I try to squash it down in self preservation. I don't dare hope that this is our lucky month. I don't hope for a BFP. I don't hope that AF will be late, or hope that a trip to the store for tests will be needed. I don't hope that this is the month where everything that's broken will start to work again. I don't hope because I'm too afraid that it'll damage me more. I can't bear to be crushed at the end of each cycle. So I fight hope while praying every night that one day I'll be filled with hope and happiness.

What a difficult battle.