1st ultrasound

I'm struggling today. My mind is torn.

I can't say nothing comes easy to me when it comes to kids, because I did get pregnant really easily this time and that was such a blessing. But it seems like getting babies to birth is difficult. To get Katie, I had to make it through ovarian cancer in aces and lucked out in every area. With the last one, we tried for almost a full year, and then we lost Elizabeth. And now, I'm just fretting over this baby.

The ultrasound was mostly normal, I suppose. Not too out of the ordinary for my stage. But it fell short of my prayers. I wanted a heartbeat so badly. Last pregnancy I went through 13 weeks without a single heartbeat to be seen or heard. I crave that now so badly to feel comforted. Today, I didn't get it. We're not even sure if we saw a baby. We saw a yolk sac and after a while of looking, we saw what might be a baby.  The "might be baby" measured 5w, 4d, which would be a good measurement.

I tried to figure out what this means for the next two weeks. Do I act like this ultrasound didn't happen, and continue acting like everything is perfectly normal when there's a chance that it's not? Or do I shut down and put everything on hold for two weeks and try to prepare for the worst so it's not so rough this time?

I finally decided that the one thing this ultrasound did show is that at least for right now, I am still pregnant. I am growing. Whether this pregnancy makes it to term or not, it's still happening right now. So I'm going to take my pregnancy pictures, track my symptoms  stay apart of my due date community, celebrate each week, and continue on.

As long as everything stays like this for the next two weeks, I think it would be best to try and enjoy the pregnancy still as much as possible. If it's gone in two weeks, then I at least had 8 weeks of hopes, prayers and time with our third baby. If it does work out, then I'll be glad that I didn't completely shut down just because there was a chance of not making it through.

This mommy stuff is really difficult. I so enjoy having Katie, and I couldn't be more grateful. I just want more that I can have along side of her, but who would have thought that would be so hard to accomplish?