Ready

A few nights ago it seemed to have happened, very suddenly. Without thinking about it, I was suddenly hit with the thought of "I'm ready." I felt ready for another pregnancy, and with that thought I had no guilt like I was having. I imagined being pregnant and not being filled with terror every moment. Yes, it'll be nerve wracking, but it won't be paralyzing anymore. I'll be able to get through it and trust that it'll be okay and no matter what, it'll be a miracle. I won't feel like I'm hurting my angel by trying for another. I feel ready to try again.

I'm ovulating today. It's hard to not keep track of days when I know my body so well. This is the first month we're not protecting against pregnancy, but we're also not trying either. Still, it's nerve-wracking. I thought that not ttc would be more peaceful, but it's not. I'm torn between wanting a baby now and wanting to not force anything. I want it to happen when it happens, in God's own time and not mine trying to force it, but everything in me mentally, physically and emotionally is screaming NOW. Still, I'm not ttc. I'm still just going with the flow and wondering what will happen, how long it'll take this time, how things will play out. I hate not being able to know where this year is going to take us. It started out so rough, just a week and a half into 2013 before my world crumbled. Now things feel bleak, and I hope that something comes along to fill it with cheer and hope. Above all, I hope a baby comes to us sometime in this year, I think that alone would be enough to fill the whole year again. I had so many plans for my last pregnancy and for the infant that would follow. Having them all stolen from me just leaves this year desperately empty. I want to fill it again. I want to have excitement again. I want to be happy and have each week to look forward to again. I want to look at my daughter and stop feeling the sadness of what she too lost but is too young to understand.

I never had such a strange first few steps upon a pending journey before. It's an odd mixture of emotions and so unsure of where it'll take us, but wherever that may be, it has already started. I can only hope that it leads me to my rainbow and away from such grey skies.