Two Months

I'm now over two months pregnant. That's a nice way to put it, I think. 8 weeks sounds so early still, but two months pregnant out of nine sounds a bit better. It sounds like I'm getting somewhere. At the end of this month, I'll be leaving first tri and going into second. That's reassuring! Knowing I'm a month late for my period and have had no spotting at all is also reassuring. Having a missed miscarriage happens only 1% of the time. I can't imagine how rare it is to have a missed miscarriage twice in a row back to back, within three months when the odds of just having one is so low. Given that, if something was wrong like in a standard miscarriage, I should be showing signs. I'm not cramping, I'm not spotting...so far the only signs are of a healthy pregnancy.

Sciatica started last night really badly. Who knew it would start this time at 8 weeks?? But I've been talking to other mommies who are on their 2nd and 3rd pregnancies who are also getting it around this time. I get heat flashes roughly every hour or two, I get sick every time I enter the kitchen or, if I make it that far, open the fridge (couldn't stop dry heaving yesterday each time I tried opening the door, it kept getting so bad that I thought my blood vessels were going to break!)

I just have to make it to next Thursday. May 9th, I'll know everything that's going on, it'll give me all of my answers. The waiting has been torturous, trying every day to actively convince myself that even though I didn't get to see a baby or heartbeat last time, that things have progressed and have continued to be healthy and on track.

I can't wait to truly get to breathe again, instead of there always being this question mark. I try so hard to be secure in this pregnancy, I tell the baby that it's healthy, I pray that it's healthy, I tell myself that it must be healthy....but that doesn't mean I can actually feel relaxed and comfortable until I'm shown what's going on in there. I wish so much that I could see! If I could hear the heartbeat at this stage, I probably would have gotten a doppler, but I'm too scared that it'll freak me out more because it's hard to hear before 10 weeks for normal people...a tilted uterus definitely wouldn't help me situation.

I just want so much to have this baby. It seems like everyone else on baby boards and people I know can do this effortlessly. I hate that every day I get nervous. I miss when a positive pregnancy test felt like a guarantee, like we were definitely having a baby, instead of just feeling like a possibility. I miss having carefree pregnancies. I hope that once I reach second tri, that maybe I can relax enough to have an almost carefree pregnancy.