Cleared

Today is day nine of my first cycle since my miscarriage. My hCG results came back. Two weeks ago they were still too high at 21, but as of last Wednesday, they've fallen to 4. They were looking for anything under 5, so I'm now in the clear. This means that there isn't anything that was left in there that would cause complications or create further risks. Moreso, since I got my period right on time, it means that my body is back to working like normal. Physically, I've completed my miscarriage journey.

Not so emotionally. I still have my rough days. I go back and forth about trying to get pregnant again. Is it too soon? Is it disrespectful to Elizabeth's memory? Am I emotionally and mentally healed enough to create a pregnancy that won't be burdened with fears and panicking from the last one? Can I still mourn my little angel while rejoicing in a new blessing without feeling like a horrible mommy?

Today, before my phone call, I felt like I was ready. I'm not sure why. Last week was rough. I cried a lot. The holiday didn't help. But today, when I sat down and really thought it over, there was a peace. It wasn't a mental decision that said I'm ready to stop preventing, but something inside of me. In my moment of quiet, when I shushed all the fears and worries my mind plagues me with and just sat calmly, thinking deeper than mentally, I felt something inside say "it's time, I'm ready, I can handle this."

There's always been that little voice, so hard to normally hear. I'm not sure what it is, that deep down voice that usually gets strangled out by my louder voice, but I hear it at the most strange times. During my natural labor with my daughter, it was the only thing that got me through. When my mind shut down and I couldn't think and felt like I couldn't handle any more, that voice was the one that replaced mine. It said no medications, no IVs, and yes, I could get through this. It was right, to my surprise! That voice also taught me to parent that baby, shown me instincts that I hadn't known were there. That voice got me through my miscarriage and kept me from falling apart. And now, it tells me that I can stop being afraid of getting pregnant.

I have no plans to outright try to conceive. I'm leaving it in God's hands now. I won't be tracking, charting, temperature taking, and symptom spotting. I'm just going to ignore that part, and not protect against, and see what happens. With Katie, it took us 4 months of active trying to get pregnant. With Elizabeth, it took us 10 months. I'm still breastfeeding Katie, so I'm sure my cycles will be off and it'll be more difficult to become pregnant, but the goal isn't to become pregnant as quickly as possible. It's to leave that door open, so that when our next baby is meant to come to us, that door will be there, unlocked and welcoming. I admit, I'm more than ready to have a baby again. It's such an empty feeling, not having one. A rainbow would bring such a huge amount of healing.

It's hard to believe I'm starting this journey again. Twice I've done it, and the last time was supposed to take longer. It's such a bittersweet time, eager for a baby but longing for our angel. Carefully walking that line to ensure that the next baby is it's own being and personality, not weighed down by fears or wanting from the last.