Day One

Today is the first day of my first cycle after my miscarriage. It's been exactly 30 days since we suffered our lost, and today my body is taking the first step to move on from that experience, whether I'm ready or not.

I wasn't planning on starting this blog yet, as it seemed too soon. We're not TTC'ing for our rainbow, we're still holding off in respect and for our grief, but I thought it would be a good idea to keep a record of what is happening so I can see a pattern for when we are ttc. It seemed wrong to put it on our angel's blog, so here we are, a month or two early.

I'm still a jumble of emotions still. I want to cry in pain every time I see an infant. My arms beg constantly for me to have a baby that they can hold. I'm ripped in two and waiting to heal before my stormy skies can be blessed with a rainbow across them. I ache every day for the baby who isn't here, and all the shattered hopes of what my future was going to be like with our lost baby is still so raw.

Today is day one in my journey. Today begins when I'm able to start ttc whenever we're ready. From now on out, it's up to us and our emotions over our loss to govern when we can try for our next blessing. It's a big step. Something inside me keeps saying that this is a big day and it's important and to notice it. My grief holds me back from doing so, but something inside me knows better. Knows that there's a new adventure on the horizon and that one day, my feet will stop dragging along and I'll be ready to go chase it with gusto. I feel like I'm on autopilot right now, but I look forward to that day when I'll be healed enough to hold my daughter in my arms, hold my angel in my heart, and say confidently that I'm ready to try again, and begin searching those skies for those rainbow lines.