Will's Adventure

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.
Elizabeth Stone

I always loved that quote. It was something I found when I was pregnant with Katie and always thought it was beautiful. As a mommy of two though, I see the other side of it - the vulnerability that is constant. It feels like I have two big targets, one on my heart and one on my last shred of sanity, and I'll never be able to remove them. With each child, the targets seem to grow bigger.  There's a whole world out there, filled with dangers that could aim right at my target zones. It's scary.

I never felt that way with Katie. I guess I felt like I had more control. I'm not sure if it's just because it's double the amount, or after Elizabeth, or if all the stuff I've dealt with Will already in such a short time that has magnified the vulnerable feeling and sends me to my knees in prayer over them so often.

Yesterday we had a rough day. While out yard saling, Will and I fell while walking downhill from a piece of uneven sidewalk. We fell out into the street, and Will hit his head. I've had a lot of terrifying moments in my life, but that one definitely soared up to the top of the list. I was in shock, I didn't fully understand what had happened, but my baby was hurt and I didn't know how to fix him. I was sure it was something terrible and that he'd never be the same again. I was so afraid.

Luckily, I have a crazy inner autopilot that turns on whenever my brain turns off or whenever my body goes out of my control. I first discovered it when I was giving birth to Katie. When I was asked if I wanted IV meds or an epidural to take away the pain, I said yes...except the words out of my mouth were "no, I don't want an IV and I don't want an epidural, just leave me here to die" or something close to that effect. But that autopilot got me through my unmedicated, induced birth, coaching me through it better than anyone else could.

Yesterday, it turned on again. It's so hard to explain, but I fell SO fast physically that I didn't even realize what had happened until a few seconds after we were on the street. The baby screaming sort of woke me from my shock. However, mentally it happened in slow motion. My autopilot was so calm and clear. As I fell, I quickly thought "okay, don't land on the baby and don't let him hit his head" and then my body just reacted to it. I made sure to hit with my knees first to slow down impact. Then I took my hand from the baby's head and used it to slow us down more and try to catch us. I was falling too hard and fast to be caught though and continued to go down. My body twisted so I fell onto my left elbow really hard while still clutching Will to my chest. Unfortunately, my one arm has a hard time supporting Will's 20 1/2 lb weight normally, let alone at falling speed, so it wasn't enough to continue holding him against my chest and he fell. Luckily, he only fell the distance between my chest (with my body supported by my elbow) to the ground, about 6" or so.

I hadn't remembered how I fell though for a while. I completely blacked out the whole thing for the first few hours, so I thought he had fallen a few feet, not a few inches. It took me hours to realize that I never let him go, and he didn't fall from my arms when I hit my knees. He fell when I was almost completely on the ground, and my arm still was under him to shield most of his body.

I felt so terrible that I had failed to protect his head. I kept telling him "I'm so sorry" over and over, and the whole ambulance ride over I was beating myself up for not protecting him better. I knew to cover his head as we fell and I didn't. It wasn't until I remembered my fall that I realized why my body did what it did. Had I not let go of his head to catch myself, I would have fallen with full force directly onto the baby. I could have broken his bones, his head would have probably hit the street anyway through my fingers but with impact behind it, he could have been much more seriously injured. By letting go and making sure I didn't fall on him, he only fell a few inches and had a bump that went down within 15 minutes and tiny scrapes. Had I protected his head with my hand, he would have been much worse off.  Somehow, my body reacted exactly as it should have to save the baby from the fall.

So today, baby is completely fine. He doesn't even have any marks on his head anymore, no bump, no redness. He's been a happy baby since ten minutes after it happened. He giggled at the paramedic on the way to the hospital. Using my body as a shield for him however, has left me pretty banged up. I didn't even realize all the injuries fully until today after they had time to get extra sore through the broken night. Both of my knees had been gashed pretty good, enough that they could have used stitches. After the fall, the nurse that lived nearby had to clean my legs from the blood pouring down them. Today, one knee still has the gash looking gross but healing, and my other knee is all bruised and swollen but the scrapes aren't as bad and have mostly stopped reopening. My hand was ground up from the tiny rocks piercing it and it was swollen up a bit and bleeding. At the hospital, we discovered my elbow had taken a blow as well, which has gotten worse today. It only has a few minor scratches, but is all black and blue and swollen. Today I discovered my entire right side is incredibly sore. My arm absorbed so much of the fall and all the joints, from wrist to shoulder to my neck feel all jammed up and things keep making cracking and popping noises from time to time. Hitting my knee so hard apparently jammed up my hip and hurt muscles in my back, as they're part of what makes it so painful to walk. My neck and knees probably hurt the worst. I'd love to make a chiropractor appointment to help with all the soreness from the shock absorption, but I'm too afraid of the ambulance bill to do that. That's what I'll be dreading for the next few weeks.

I'm hoping I heal quickly, because Bill is already back at work and these kids take no pity on me. Even telling Will that my knees literally feel like they're on fire does not make him want to walk any less for multiple hours at a time. Katie doesn't care if I'm sore, she still wants her juice, her food, her diaper changed, her dvd switched, her toy fixed, and wants to take a messy bath in the dog's water bowl.

As much as today is miserable, it's wonderful. I could not have asked for a better outcome, once again. Will had xrays and a cat scan done on him, and everything looked perfect. He's past the first 24 (well, now 29) hours that they usually watch head injury complications for. He's perfect and back to his old self. I did not forsee this outcome after we had fallen! God shows me in so many ways how He's taken care of me and blessed me, over and over. I have to face bad situations from time to time, but He sees me through them and blesses me with the best outcome possible. I have yet to stop saying "Thank you, God" every time I look at Will, or when I close my eyes and relive what happened. Not only did He see us through this situation, but He placed wonderful people at the scene that helped so much. There was a nurse that ran out and started to access Will's head. She cleaned up my legs, gave me ice for my hand, and sprayed antiseptic spray on everything. She had wonderful bedside manner and tried to keep me from becoming hysterical. Another woman ran over and called the ambulance, let me use her phone to call Bill, and stayed with us to help. The paramedics were both wonderful and comforting, reassuring while making jokes and calming me down. And my mom, who was able to help with the baby, share her experience of head injuries, and calm me down like she always does when something bad happens. Sometimes you just need your mom!

Will is so lucky that he has an amazing big sister as his guardian angel! Elizabeth is doing such a great job of watching over us! Time and again, I still feel her with us all the time and it's so soothing to know she's here.